All posts in category Rated G

Rules — Christmas Cookies and Calories

A seasonal posting from the groaners listserv.


Christmas Cookie Rules

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you’re making your Christmas cookies and needs … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #84: Burning Down The House

Paul Anguera continues his tale.


With the year dial of its chronomotor restored to 1812, the flying frigate H.M.S. Legume now proceeded across-country to the enemy capital. Drifting northward from the tidal basin, the ship cast a monstrous shadow over the memorial to the treasonous signers of the Declaration of Independence, the Society of the D.A.R. Library and the Zero Milestone. They heard musketfire in the distance, and saw Redcoats slipping through the rush-hour traffic on E Street. “What’s that … Read the rest...

A Christmas Tale from Callahan’s Bar

This tale features characters from one of the world’s most famous virtual bars. The author of the tale is not known, but it is not Spider Robinson, the creator of the original ficton.


“Mike, I’ve got a strange tale. Heard it from a Klingon last night, and I thought the folks might appreciate it.”

“It has to do with those two famous characters, Anakin and Luke Skywalker. The tale concerns that time when Anakin was going by the name of … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #83: Turning the Tables

Another entry from Paul DeAnguera.


“That business in Jamaica was a terrible trial,” the First Mate said to Captain Quid, luxuriating in his ability to use the letter “A” again. They were standing on the quarter-deck of the H.M.S. Legume by the starboard rail, watching the Mississippi shoreline drift past.

“Mentioning trials, we’ve got to arrange a trial for Sir Hillary before he escapes again.”

“Good idea. But where would we get a judge?”

“We can do better than a … Read the rest...

Holiday Merger — Chanukah and Christmas

This tale appeared on the groaners listserv at this time of the season for several years.


Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #82: The Full Montego

Paul DeAnguera nears the end of his epic.


The First Officer noted his chief posed morosely in the coolness under the jib on the H.M.S. Legume’s port bow. “You seem troubled, sir,” he offered.

“Do you know why we’ve come to the West Indies?” Quid suddenly inquired.

“For the birds,” he recited, “for whose subtle drug-like pheromones the Chinese would pup… pup… would give much gold!”

“But the risk?” he growled.

“Only the loss of one vowel, sir,” sighed the … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #81: Hooked on Phoenix

Another punishing episode from Paul DeAnguera.


One morning some 120 years ago, the little town of Phoenix climbed out of its collective beds, glanced out its windows and shouted for joy. “Rain at last!” For a huge shadow lay across the thirsty desert. But when they looked up and saw that it was just a flying square-rigger, the smiles changed to curses and many fists were shaken at the wooden ship in the sky.

So Acting Sheriff Jack Swilling was … Read the rest...

The Crusading Nun

This ender tale of temperance was posted on the groaners listserv. It has the flavor of an old story, but I was not familiar with it.


A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. … Read the rest...

Snow White

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. It sticks in my mind that I had a version of this one, but I cannot find any documentation of such.


Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.

“How long before they’re ready?” Snow asked the clerk.

He informed her … Read the rest...

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

This was posted by Stan Kegel onto the groaners listserv.


Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #80: Isthmus Be The Place

The eightieth episode from Paul DeAnguera.


As the H.M.S. Legume approached South America, Emma peered eastward from the crow’s nest. “How are you doing up there?” the First Mate called impatiently.

“Chile!” she called out, not attending to him.

“Do you want your astrakhan?” he asked.

“Camana!” she shouted, which might have led to a misunderstanding. But at this point there was a general outcry as land came into view from the frigate’s deck. Soon they dropped anchor outside of … Read the rest...

The Thanksgiving Riddles

Spanking clean riddles for Thanksgiving. Yea. These were posted by Stan Kegel on several of his listservs.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A Turkey.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age

Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such fowl … Read the rest...

Washing Instructions

This is from one of my students, Linda Therrio. In the deep and all-important world of college football, this IS the week for such stories.


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “Texas A & M.”

And they say blondes are dumb.… Read the rest...

Do you speak Turkish?

This Thanksgiving sequence is from the groaners listserv:


What does a turkey say:
Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.

What does a turkey with a sore throat say?
Gargle, Gargle, Gargle.

What does a turkey with club feet say?
Hobble, Hobble, Hobble.

What does a dyslexic turkey say?
Boggle, Boggle, Boggle.

What does a turkey with a lame leg say?
Waddle, Waddle, Waddle

What does a turkey with a bladder problem say?
Puddle, Puddle, Puddle

What does a turkey with an invisible handicap … Read the rest...

A PUNY Thanksgiving Dictionary

A seasonal offering from the PUNY listserv.


A yam: First person singular present of “to be” as in, “A yam very happy that everyone was able to be here tonight” (Cynthia MacGregor)

Breast: The part of the bird little kids love to ask for because they’re getting away with saying one of “those” words without getting punished for it (Cynthia MacGregor)

Brussels Sprouts: Das Kindergartners (in my best fractured pseudoFlemish) (Bob Dvorak)

Candied Yams: Descartes telling it like it is… … Read the rest...

Thanksgiving Night

A timely item from the groaners listserv.


T’was the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn’t sleep…
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned…the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,… Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #79: A Rouened Woman

Paul DeAnguera’s story continues.


“Now, you might suppose that crossing the Pacific would be really boring,” the First Mate told Wang Mang as they descended from the maindeck. “But don’t worry! This ship was built for long crossings. Have you noticed how tall this stairway is?” Wang Mang nodded.

“The shipyard that laid the H.M.S. Legume’s keel had never built a frigate before, and they underestimated the time required. They built their way diligently upward, but at length they realized … Read the rest...

Begging for a Chance

This tale is by Ted Brett.


Perhaps one of the most common jobs for young people as they work their way through college or try to pick up some extra money while still in high school is to work at local supermarkets. Most start out as baggers at the check-out counters, but occasionally promotions and opportunities come along and the chance for a little more money becomes important.

One young man had worked bagging groceries for a year but never … Read the rest...

New Alphabet for the Elderly

This is from bwjokes and the groaners listserv. It does not tell a happy tale.


A’s for arthritis;

B’s the bad back,

C’s the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H high blood pressure–I’d rather it be low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, … Read the rest...

Entering Paradise

This gentle tale of the war of the sexes comes from Bill Pardue.


When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise,  God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines: One line  for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for  the men who were dominated by their women.

“Now, I want all the women to  report to St. Peter.” 

Soon, the women were gone, and there were … Read the rest...

Today’s Stock Market Report

This is from the groaners listserv.


Helium was up,

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.… Read the rest...

Feline Tale of Creation

This is from the groaners list serve.


On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat … Read the rest...

Cats

My dear younger sister wants to take up the topic of cats. This contribution from Richard Lederer’s book (referenced below) is a start.


Have you heard about the tailor who let his cat out, the firefighter who put her cat out, and the private eye who put a tail on a Manx?

Have you heard about the cat who entertained herself with some wool? After a while, she had a ball.

Have you heard what happened when she swallowed that … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #78: Maiden Japan

Paul DeAnguera continues.


Upon reaching the island kingdom of Japan, the frigate H.M.S. Legume docked at Aji Marine for repairs and the crew went on liberty. “Now I want you men to be careful out there,” the First Mate warned. “This is a nice town but it has a wild side. The Red Lantern district is particularly notorious for trouble!” But despite his warnings the men were intrigued by the chance to meet some geishas, renowned for their skill at … Read the rest...

Effects of Gene Splicing

Since it seems that gene-splicing has become a reality, all those old jokes about crossing a parrot with a centipede* are within the realm of possibility. Here are a few examples of what could happen.


Cross an Indian monkey with a vine of the legume family and a plant with yellow cup-shaped flowers and you’ll get a Rhesus Peanut Buttercup.

Cross a Sasquatch and a baboon and you’ll get a Sassoon. An animal that lurks in the suburbs at night, … Read the rest...