All posts in category Rated G

On Becoming a Teacher

There are many that will understand exactly what this tale from the groaners listserv is about.


Once there was a man named Nathan. He wanted very much to be a teacher. So he went to seek the advice of the wisest, most highly respected counselor in the land.

“Wise counselor,” Nathan began, “it has always been my dream to be a teacher. I want to stimulate the minds of the young people of our land. I want to lead them … Read the rest...

Computer Gender

Another salvo in the war between the sexes, this punishment was posted on the groaners listserv.


TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE

5. They’re heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you’ve established a network connection.

3. They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than they have to and they won’t think of it on their own.

2. They’re typically obsolete … Read the rest...

Roping a Deer

Cousin Jo Ann brought this to our attention. Snopes.com says that many of the details about deer behavior appear authentic, but the tale is of undetermined origin. When I was at Davis (CA), the foot behavior was described to me.


I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a … Read the rest...

The Moonshiner

This was posted on the groaners listserv


The origin of this tale appears to be an Irish folksong.

The story starts with a young lady whose primary occupation was brewing and distributing ‘shine. One day, as she transported her product to the black market, she had truck trouble and had to stop by the side of the road. A young man named Tommy was passing by and stopped to help her.

He was unaware of her illegal activities and remained … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #90: The Final Voyage

The epic conclusion of Paul DeAnguera’s punishing tale.


As the H.M.S. Legume plowed across the Atlantic rollers, Captain Quid worked feverishly at the chart pinned to his star board. He took a sighting with his sextant, and marked an X on his chart. With a grimace, he reached for a secondary sextant; same thing. But the wizened old sea captain did not give up so easily. He grabbed another sextant, and kept at it until he got a “Maximum of … Read the rest...

*Time for Anger

Posted on the groaners listserv by Stan Kegel.


Herman was afflicted with an explosive personality that caused him more and more problems at home and on the job. Finally, his distressed family persuaded him to enter an anger-management course.

Herman’s therapy included an alarm clock on his bedroom table that was tuned in to his brain by electronic pulses. Every time Herman flew into a tantrum, the clock would explode into a loud and irritating ring that wouldn‚t stop until … Read the rest...

Men Are Just Happier People

Our next chapter in the War Between the Sexes was sent by Shayne Gad.


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #89: Signs Of The Thames

Paul DeAnguera’s epic puns continue.


Tenderly, with every respect due to great warriors from greater, the crew of the H.M.S. Legume conveyed defeated punster Hugo Phirst and the other Americans back across the Chesapeake to the U.S.S. Groundpea. “Shock and bleeding at the ears,” Emma Talligeist advised the American ship’s doctor. “Also several concussions from smacking their own foreheads.” They made the invalids as comfortable as they could. Then Emma returned and the Legume aimed its bowsprit toward the Atlantic. … Read the rest...

Rabbinical Students

This was posted by Anna Welander on puns@yahoogroups.com.


Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day.

Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas.

“Put these in your … Read the rest...

Penguins

This was sent by high school friend, Don Drinnon.


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #88: Seven Jeers in Tibet

From Paul DeAnguera.


The unexpected American counter-attack had devastated the British champion. Gasping and bleeding from the ears, the stupefied First Mate shook his head helplessly when urged to retake the stage. “Pull down your union jack, then,” Captain Blight ordered, “And form a line by the starboard rail, prisoners of war!”

“Wait!” called a voice, and a distinguished looking Chinese man in an embroidered red silk robe stepped onto the main hatch cover. It was Wang Mang, able seaman … Read the rest...

*Two Loopholes

From the groaners listserv.


In the late 1800s, not wanting to be outdone by American rodeo, an English chap decided to become a rodeo star. Not having a horse or any cattle, he cast about for some way to perform. His vocation was building outhouses, and he had several samples behind his home. He had also installed a couple of standing gas lamps in his yard. As a start, he decided that lassoing these objects would be good practice. After … Read the rest...

Insomnia

by Alan B. Combs


It has come to me after conversation with certain members of the PUNY listserv that insomnia is a dysZZZZs.… Read the rest...

Not in Kansas, Anymore, ….

By Alan B. Combs. Blame him.


Read the rest...

A Recent Lamented Demise

Mitch Friedman sent this to me. For reasons that are not entirely clear, he said this is my kind of material.


Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty … Read the rest...

Shaggy Halfling XVIII

Irregular Webcomic! is by David Morgan-Mar. Occasionally, he includes wonderful puns. This one was originally published on December 31, 2010.


Yes, he was a walking hobbit Jew, Harry.

This work is copyrighted and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported Licence by David Morgan-Mar.… Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #87: Things Could Be Verse

The continuation of Paul DeAnguera’s epic.


For a while it looked as if the British champion had won the day. But at length Hugo Phirst staggered up from his circle of Yankee handlers. Waving away any further assistance, he walked unsteadily across the H.M.S. Legume’s main deck to the hatch cover and stepped up onto it to deliver the American reply to the First Mate’s attack:

==

There was a Beggar in the company
That Geoffrey never spoke of; nor … Read the rest...

The Land That Made Me, Me

Posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv.


Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #86: Now Hair This

More from Paul DeAnguera.


The combined crews of the H.M.S. Legume and the U.S.S. Groundpea thought their dueling champions had done each other about equal damage so far. But now the First Mate stepped up on the main hatch cover to unleash one of his deadliest rounds:

==

Once upon a time there lived a girl whose powers of speech were legendary. She could win any argument, any debate, and any election with a speech that was masterful and compelling, … Read the rest...

The Stick and the Stone

Posted on the groaners listserv.


The legend is told in India about a stick and a stone that were of some small service to a Hindu holy man. Out of gratitude he offered to transform them into any object they desired.

The solid stone wanted to be a strongbox or safe to hold the holy man’s sacred relics. The vain stick indicated it wanted to become a Hindu woman’s beautiful gown or sari.

Thus it came to pass: the stone … Read the rest...

Pierogi

Stan Kegel posted this tale of married life on the groaners listserv.


*Pierogi (aka perogi, or pirogi)

An elderly pious Jew lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of Impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, … Read the rest...

Cosmetic Surgery

This quickie was prompted by a query from Stan Kegel.


Mary was a happy lamb, with fleece as white as snow. But as she got older, she became more and more depressed because of an increasingly objectionable cosmetic defect in her ears. They were becoming more and more Droopy (can you imagine dog-like ears?).

Finally, Mary discovered the way Doberman Pinschesr had their ears trained to stand up, instead of drooping. This treatment occasionally includes surgery and taping the ears … Read the rest...

Ethical Behavior for Patients

From the groaners listserv. My father would have greatly appreciated this one. Thanks, Dad.


1.DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT
Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him/her to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2.BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he/she can get.

3.TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to … Read the rest...

Texting for Seniors

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. Why are these things seemingly so pertinent these days?


Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Seniors’ Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, this is the code for you!

SENIOR TEXTING CODE

AFT: Another Funeral Today

ATD: At the Doctor’s

B2N: Bingo Tonight?

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM:

Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #85: Son of a Gun

Another story from Paul DeAnguera.


Having failed to change the course of the War of 1812, the H.M.S. Legume fled down the Potomac to Chesapeake Bay — only to find the way to the Atlantic blocked by her nemesis, the U.S.S. Groundpea. Through their brass telescopes, the officers on the quarter-deck studied the enemy frigate uneasily. She had changed somewhat since they had last seen the Groundpea in Giza, a large black tube now stood up from the main deck.… Read the rest...