The author of this is unknown, but the timing is appropriate as we head back into football season.
“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged Aggie as he set the man’s broken leg.
“Well, doc, 25 years ago …”
“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”
“Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/just-a-little-too-late/
This was forwarded by Mel Lett.
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I cain’t unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger ‘n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids..I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” said the big ‘gator, “What you been eatin’, boy?”
“Lawyers, same as you,” replied the small ‘gator.
“Hmm. Well, where do y’all catch ’em?”
“Down at … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/alligators/
From: MMi, this was posted on the groaners listserv. Personally, I doubt that it’s possible to be rude enough to telemarketers, but that’s one of my defects I am more proud of.
Yesterday, Mrs. MM and I were in the lounge watching the match between South Africa and France, when the telephone rang, and I went to take it in the bedroom, away from the noise (e. g., vuvuzelas) on TV. Picked up the receiver, said, “Hello,” and a voce … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-telemarketer/
Eirik Ott competes in the Punniest of Show portion of the 2010 O. Henry Pun-Off. His entry punned on Harry Potter titles being used for pornographic movies. It was very funny.
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/video-o-henry-pun-off-eirik-ott/
The author of this is unknown.
The class in Animal Husbandry at A&M was studying reproduction. As a project, the professor assigned three students to take a bull to a nearby farm to service a cow there.
Hours passed, and the students had not returned.
More hours passed, and still the students had not reported back. The worried prof went to the barn. The bull was in the stall; the three Aggies were lying on the ground, battered and bruised, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/youre-doing-it-wrong/
Sent by Tom Vickery.
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/cussing-at-work/
An olde Irish tale, sent by me Aunt Jimmie, begorra.
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-irish-bagpiper/
By Alan B. Combs
Deep in Central Austin where the Yuppies hang out is a tofu and salad bar you really do not want to go to. At this establishment, they feature Wedgie Salad.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-salad-bar-you-really-do-not-want-to-go-to/
From Douglas Harter and posted to the groaners listserv.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried.
We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please, call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/letter-from-camp/
Cynthia MacGregor is the moderator for a punsters weekly limerick challenge. She says, “Your challenge for Lim-ber Your Mind #27 was: Write a limerick whose first line is:
“If happiness you are pursuing”
The entries:
If happiness you are pursuing,
Try to willing maid be a-wooing,
But hedge wedding bet,
A prenuptial get,
To help when ex-wife comes a-suing.
—-Chris Papa
If happiness you are pursuing
But your spouse has threatened her suing
Don’t run and hide
To choose a … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/limerick-challenge-no-27/
Ms. Charlotte sent this one. Versions are all over the internet.
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.? Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/women-and-men-apples-and-wine/
This is from Glenda Konopka, a dear professional friend.
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous … A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by some of his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies :
1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
4. “Are we there yet? Are we there … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/colonoscopy-comments/
This is from Shayne Gad.
When you have a ‘I Hate My Job’ day, [even if retired you have those sometimes] try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock
your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed.
Change into very comfortable … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/subject-hate-my-job/
We can always count on Lowrie Beacham to come through with these things.
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then, one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn’t quite the same without him.
A new lawyer, a woman, joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-lady-lawyer-golfer/
An ethnic tale from Tom Vickery.
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure nough, a curious Irishman walked … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/what-ye-selling/
This was sent by pharmacy bro Tom Vickery.
At a trial in a small South Carolina town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, on the Bible, and was asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help her God.
The witness was a proper, well-dressed, elderly lady; the grandmotherly type well-spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-law-in-a-small-town/
From the late, beloved Mel Lett. I am slowly moving his better material to this site.
This is why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store……….
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary Louise, to the hardware store to get one. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on the top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob the manager to … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-hardware-store/
Not that I agree with this offering from the groaners listserv…. And why is it I seem to find so many rude puns these days?
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse’s rectum.
Figuring this was … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-medical-student/
By Alan B. Combs.
These were a couple of posts sent to my mailing list following the Katrina Hurricane of 2005 which did so much damage to New Orleans.
Many of my wife’s relatives live(d) in New Orleans. I find I have a great deal of affection and sadness for that wretched city.
It has not been a good year for New Orleans. Many enterprises, both legitimate and those with less than respectable attributes went down those totally inadequate drains. … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/there-is-a-house-in-new-orleans/
This shaggy tale was sent to me by Mel Lett. It is a very old tale, I do believe.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as His father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-horse-auction/
From Tom Vickery.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, she says.
A little girl raised her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/stuttering-kitty/
Another update from Linda T.
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.”
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. “Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/putting-your-affairs-in-order/
This was a pun cascade on P.U.N.Y.
The big news recently is the Iowa caucuses. Supposedly, LBJ didn’t have much use for caucuses and once said that the difference between a caucus and a cactus was the following: With a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.
Charles W.
===============
I always figured a “caw-cuss” was the noise a crow makes when he’s really pissed.
Gary Hallock
===============
And the noise an angry bovine makes is a cow-cuss.
Jim Ertner… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/iowa-caucuses/
This is an ancient tale. This version was sent by cousin Jo Ann Thomas.
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly; she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/despondency-of-the-elderly/
This much-traveled tale came from Mel Lett. Endless variants exist.
A small East Texas Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla, which was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Ted Standen, a Bubba-esque part-time worker, who was responsible … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/bubba-and-the-gorilla-problem/