A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a spectacular gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As if his prayers were answered, she took the seat right beside his.
Nervous, but eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business or vacation?”
She turned, smiled, and said, “Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago.”
He swallowed hard. Here was … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/chance-meeting-airplane/
Yes, I am old enough to remember pay toilets at such places as gas stations. I learned this lament as a child, though I never did mention it to my parents.
Here I sit,
All broken-hearted.
Paid a nickel to shit,
But, only farted… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/pay-toilet-lament/
Tad Williams is becoming one of my favorite SF/Fantasy authors. In a recent book, he remarked that one of the characters was so dumb, he could not count to eleven, even with his pants down.
I liked the joke a lot. I am not sure that many women do.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/praise-tad-williams/
Dave Wallace sent this little gem.
NOTICE:
The activity formerly known as “69” will henceforth be called “96”. This is due to the higher cost of eating out.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/costs-inflation/
Sensitivity Training For Men
This was forwarded by Lowrie B who actually deleted certain ones.
* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
* Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/why-lessons-in-political-correctness-may-be-needed-for-men/
Once again, through what can only be gross discrimination or uncommon good taste (pun intended), this wonderful entry fell flat. Well, there’s always next year.
The thought that the world contains so many transgressors and so few reformers trying to put an end to their evil haunted the preacher as he tried to save those wretched cunnilinguists from their preferred depravity by alluding to their theological doom in his sermon, “Insinuate.”
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/bulwer-lytton-combs-losing-entry-2012/
Stan Kegel recently posted this to the Puns at Yahoo group. I do think it is an older tale, one that speaks too well to our human condition.
Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/brothel-sues-church-adult-content/
Dave Wallace submitted this not-exactly-timely entry saying, “The glory and wealth of the language! Or not…”
Question:
What did the FBI forensic analysts find in the pocket of Monica’s Little Blue Dress?
Answer:
A wad of bills.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/not-a-cigar/
Dave Wallace pointed out that this old favorite wasn’t in the collection.
A penguin was driving through the desert when her car broke down. She waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. Her car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told her he would need a couple of hours to check things out. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn’t complain, and then wandered off to find the closest supermarket. She proceeded to the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/aaa-seal-of-approval/
From the excellent Lowrie.
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s vigor and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/secrets-of-italian-bread/
Found on a web forum. Probably as old as the internet.
A man walks into a bar, notices there’s no women in there, figures it’s a gay bar but he wants a beer too much to care. So he goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer.
The bartender says “What’s the name of your penis?”
The man replies “I haven’t given my penis a name.”
The bartender says “Better give it one if you want a beer” … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/barly-shaggy/
From Kirk Miller and posted to shaggydog@yahoogroups.com.
MEMO TO CUSTOMER SERVICE
This proves two things: 1) you’re not the only one who gets crappy service from your ISP, and 2) the Brits get better educations than most Americans, enabling them to write damned fine letters of complaint.
(NTL is a cable operator in Britain.)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/memo-to-customer-service/
This rude little tale was published on the groaners listserv a few years ago.
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn’t quite the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-ambidexterous-golfer/
Mel Lett sent me this tale a few years back. I have a file of stuff he sent me that will keep on giving for a long time.
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip… but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/santas-stressful-christmas/
Right up to the minute, these come from the groaners listserv. Take care of your cars, folks. Seriously!
Grope discounts available.
Can’t see London, can’t see France, unless we see your underpants.
If we did our job any better, we’d have to buy you dinner first.
Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.
Don’t worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.
Throw a few back at the airport Chili’s and you won’t even notice.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/tsa-slogans/
This rude little tale has been around. This version was on the groaners listserv.
Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing. “I’ll give you a chance to redeem your sins”, said God “I’ll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can be reincarnated into any other living thing of … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-death-of-dracula/
This was posted by Jerry Ulett on the groaners listserv.
One warm afternoon an owl was flying around and needed to rest so he purchased on a window sill. As luck would have it, it was the open window of a hospital where an operation was in progress and the owl got a whiff of the anesthetic, causing him to fall into the building and onto the floor.
The surgery had just ended and the doctor, hearing the sound of … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/owls-well-that-ends-well/
Published on the P.U.N.Y and the groaners listserv, this tender tale is by the incomparable punster Gary Hallock.
… Read the rest...An ugly old minister, Hume
Too many dark peas did consume
It killed him, that’s shown
That’s why he’s now known
As preacher from the black legumeOne night under bloody full moon
The time of the month made for woo’in
Hume went on the prowl
And heard his ghoul howl
And knew he cadaver real soonHume asked her “Would you
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-halloween-love-story/
I think this tale from the genera of blistering combacks is old. I remember it, but cannot find it in the archives. Thanks to Bill Pardue for this version.
I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/an-effective-comeback/
Another one told me by Mel Lett. Way back when.
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, and such.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-wise-bride/
A few years ago, Mel Lett reminded me of this ancient, venerable tale. In a flash, it came to me — I think I first heard this story from him in high school. Yeah, that makes it at least fifty years old. “Nothing new under the sun”, the prophet says. . .
The bad brother died. He was missed by his good brother, since he loved him despite his evil ways. Many years later, the good brother also died and … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-bad-brother-2/
A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional. “But,” said the guy from Tech, “I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There’s one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th.”
The Longhorn said “Well, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-fine-establishment/
Going shopping? A GI-series might be more fun. This description of how to avoid this misery was posted in the shaggydog listserv.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. But yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.
Dear … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/enforced-waiting-in-walmart/
The author of this is unknown.
A visiting professor at Texas A&M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/giving-up-the-ghost/
xkcd is a webcomic by Randall Munroe. Sometimes he includes puns that are usually of a mathematical and/or scientific nature.
This work is copyrighted and is licensed by xkcd under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 2.5 Generic Licence.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/shaggy-trio/