A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a spectacular gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As if his prayers were answered, she took the seat right beside his.
Nervous, but eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business or vacation?”
She turned, smiled, and said, “Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago.”
He swallowed hard. Here was … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/chance-meeting-airplane/
Yes, I am old enough to remember pay toilets at such places as gas stations. I learned this lament as a child, though I never did mention it to my parents.
Here I sit,
All broken-hearted.
Paid a nickel to shit,
But, only farted… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/pay-toilet-lament/
Tad Williams is becoming one of my favorite SF/Fantasy authors. In a recent book, he remarked that one of the characters was so dumb, he could not count to eleven, even with his pants down.
I liked the joke a lot. I am not sure that many women do.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/praise-tad-williams/
It was a hot summer’s day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the “Fourth of July.” He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.
Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie’s cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over time, and … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/star-wars-derived/
A friend of mine is very inclined to religious fundamentalism. Among other groups, he has been studying the Quakers, the Mennonites, and the Amish. He just cannot decide whom to join, and this has become a source of great confusion and anguish to him. Hypertension and cardiac symptoms have resulted. Finally, he heard some very helpful advice in a TV advertisement – “Ask your doctor if your heart is strong enough for sects.”… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/religious-fundamentalists/
In a spirit of adventure, I have been looking into various current Christian belief systems. These include the Catholics, Lutherans, Anglicans, Methodists, Baptists, Presbyterians, and Pentecostals, among others.
Suddenly, it came to me that I should visit the doctor to ask if my heart is strong enough for sects.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/belief-systems/
Sister Cathy sent this from a KFAT radio station, Boston (I think):
We couch potatoes are participating in the Fitness Protection Program.… Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/thought-day/
Proof That Men Have Better Friends
This is from Bro. Tom Vickery.
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend’s house.
The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn’t come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/men-have-better-friends/
This is from classmate Sonya. It ended up a lot sweeter than I thought it might.
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 2″, strong as a longhorn and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working — in a West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
After a series of … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/texas-sheriff-exam/
Some random thoughts by Alan B. Combs.
Realizing it is one of the really dangerous things one can do, I still have always liked motorcycles. Back when I was young and slightly more in my prime, I rode a twin-cylinder Honda. My rule was that I would never ride a bike larger than I could upright if it ever fell over. For various reasons, I have walked away from the beasts, but I still love ‘em.
Next, you should understand … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/bikers/
The Witching Time of Fright” by Cynthia MacGregor from “The Ants Are My Friends” by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel (©2007)
There was a woman “of a certain age,” and age had not been kind to her. In fact, her appearance caused some to call her a witch, a fact she eventually turned to her advantage.
You see, the woman had seen both Hannibal Lecter movies and decided she would emulate his example. But unlike cannibal Hannibal, the woman ate … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-witching-time-of-fright/
Forwarded to us by Lowrie.
For those who haven’t heard, Washington State just passed two laws about gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:
“If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”
We just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before.
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/for-those-needing-biblical-interpretation-of-current-events/
This listing is from Mitch Friedman, and for which we thank him. (I was tempted, but I think “thinkers” is better than “nerds”.)
1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/equivalents-for-all-you-thinkers/
This was posted by our rude punster, Myke Cooper.
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, “I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!”
The ant said, “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!”
Why are you scrolling down here? It’s … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/the-cow-the-ant-and-the-old-fart/
Posted on Puns@yahoogroups.com, by Stan Kegel. The Haggadah is the text of the ceremony perfomed at the start of every Passover Sedar dinner. The author of this fantasy/satire is by an unknown graduate student working on his Ph.D.
A GRADUATE STUDENT HAGGADAH
Leader: Welcome to the Graduate student Seder. Every year we gather together to tell the story of our forefathers’ liberation from graduate school.
Participant: Retelling the story of our time in graduate school is a sacred duty. Even … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-graduate-student-haggadah/
A Really Olde Rerun
The current Pope served for about seven years before announcing retirement.
Last time around when the College of Cardinals selected Pope Benedict, one
of the cardinals that was in the running was Cardinal Anton Scola. The newspapers
say he’s in the running again, but has the same problem as last time — no one
thinks the Church should have a Pope Scola.
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-really-olde-rerun/
Sensitivity Training For Men
This was forwarded by Lowrie B who actually deleted certain ones.
* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
* Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/why-lessons-in-political-correctness-may-be-needed-for-men/
This poliitical update is from Lowrie B. I think I would like to have the concession for the lemon creme pies to hit our politicos in the face.
WASHINGTON, D.C. —The international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today, saying that “our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the willing and capable hands of the U.S. Congress.”
In an official statement published on the group’s website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/al-qaeda-disbands-unnecessary/
Another list of wisdom from Bro Tom Vickery. He’s my age, BTW; or is it visa versa?
Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/now-that-im-older/
This has the flavor of an older tale. Stan Kegel posted it on the Puns and the Shaggy Dog Yahoogroups.
There are two guys in a bar.
One says, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead!”
“Whoa, what the heck happened to him?” asks the other guy.
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom — He hit the curb, … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/what-a-way-to-go/
Once again, through what can only be gross discrimination or uncommon good taste (pun intended), this wonderful entry fell flat. Well, there’s always next year.
The thought that the world contains so many transgressors and so few reformers trying to put an end to their evil haunted the preacher as he tried to save those wretched cunnilinguists from their preferred depravity by alluding to their theological doom in his sermon, “Insinuate.”
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/bulwer-lytton-combs-losing-entry-2012/
Thanks to Stan Kegel for this list.
Capitalism: He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishn:a He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican: They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox No, they were OURS first.
Lutheran: Our toys are nailed on the door.
Branch Davidians: He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism: There is no toy maker.
Polytheism: There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism: … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/favorite-toys-by-denomination/
This tale comes to us as the (Thank the Heavens) season begins. Gill Krebs posted it to yahoo’s pun group.
Julius Caesar, Mark Anthony, and Brutus decided to go to a football match one Saturday. Roma was playing local rival Sparta for the All Holy Roman Empire Cup. So Caesar organized the tickets and they all agreed to meet at the stadium at 3 p.m., just in time for the kick off.
Saturday arrived and Caesar and Mark Anthony took … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-classical-football-game/
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. This wisdom was contributed by Lowrie B.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-cowboy-tombstone/
Stan Kegel recently posted this to the Puns at Yahoo group. I do think it is an older tale, one that speaks too well to our human condition.
Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before … Read the rest...
https://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/brothel-sues-church-adult-content/