Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


A Philadelphian in Hell

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Puppy

Different versions of this story are making the rounds. There are so many suitable candidates. This tale is very timely, of course.


A guy from Philadelphia dies and is sent to hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Philadelphian is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, “I don’t understand this. I’ve turned the heat way up, it’s humid and you’re crushing rocks; why are you so happy?”

The Philadelphian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, “This is great! It reminds me of August in Philadelphia. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!”

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Philadelphian’s remark. Then he decides to drop the temperature into the low 40’s, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell becomes a wet, muddy mess.

Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Philadelphian is happily slogging through the mud, happily singing, “On The Way To Cape May,” and pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The Philadelphian replies, “This is great! Just like spring in Philadelphia. It reminds me of working out in the yard getting the yard and garden ready!”

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined than ever to make the Philadelphian suffer. He makes the temperature plummet to numbers far below zero. Suddenly, Hell is blanketed in snow and ice.

Confident that this will surely make the Philadelphian unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at what he sees. The Philadelphian is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

“How can you be so happy? Don’t you know its 40 below zero!?” screams the devil.

Jumping up and down the Philadelphian throws a snowball at the devil and yells, “Hell has frozen over!! The Eagles must be going to the Super Bowl!”

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