All posts for the month July, 2006

Cheney’s Target

This rude little thing was posted on the groaners listserv.

Cheney shoots somebody in the face and it’s no big deal. But Clinton? He gets impeached for it.

Lowrie objected, “Oh, come now!”… Read the rest...

Women Are Evil By Nature

This little tale of warning comes from cousin Jo Ann Thomas.

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub… She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need … Read the rest...

Why We Have an Oil Shortage

This version of a tale with an old punchline is from Bro Tom Vickery.

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there’s a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low. You see, the reason for this is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are … Read the rest...

The IRS Audit

Perhaps, this tale would be more telling on April 15th.

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

He then asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: “Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie.”

Confused, the … Read the rest...

Squirrels in the Synagogue

This subtly non-denominational tale was posted on the groaners listserv.

Within a small town there were three synagogues – one Orthodox, one Conservative, and one Reform. And, all three had a serious problem with squirrels in their buildings.

Therefore, each congregation, in its own fashion, had a meeting to deal with the problem.

The Orthodox decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the shul and that they would just have to live with them.

The Conservatives decided they … Read the rest...

Sniffer, the Dog

This timely and topical tale was sent by Alice Collins.

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog … Read the rest...

Short Takes

This collection comes from Ms. Scarlett, my pun mistdress. For some reason, she says I deserve it. “Something old, something new. . .” Some we’ve seen before.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks … Read the rest...

Critical Retiree Decisions

This came from Tom Vickery. If you want to extol the virtues of your own particular favorite location, grab pen and pencil and let me know.

As we all know, when we hit retirement age we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where…..

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

Read the rest...

Annual Physical

This modern tale is from Marbella.

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“115,” I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140. The nurse asks, “Your height?” “5 foot 8,” I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5′ 5″.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

“Of … Read the rest...


This was posted on the groaners listserv.

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times.

“Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged the first one, “we cut our emergency response time by ten percent.”

The other paramedics nodded in approval. “Not bad,” the second paramedic commented. “But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we’ve cut our average response time by 20 percent.”

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until … Read the rest...