All posts for the month January, 2006

The Bad Tattoo

I have known this story for over ten years. I have been waiting for a version to come along, but none has. Thus, this my re- creation.

A young lady who was much in love with Elvis and his memory finally decided she just had to acquire a tattoo of the singer on an intimate part of her anatomy, the inner thigh to be exact. She went to a local tattoo parlor to check it out.

“Can you do a … Read the rest...

Haiku and the Art of Computing

The author of this is not known.

In Japan, they are considering replacing the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules: Five Syllables, seven syllables, five syllables.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Read the rest...

The Midas Touch

This was originally posted on the groaners listserv.

My poor Uncle Bob, he was such an unlucky man!

Here’s how unlucky he was: once when he was digging around in his attic, he uncovered what looked like a magic lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and lo and behold, a genie came out of the lamp, and bestowed on Uncle Bob the Midas Touch!

And, alas, for the rest of his life, everything my uncle touched turned into … Read the rest...

The Perils Of Polly Nomial, Or, Impure Mathematics

Versions of this story have been going around math and engineering circles for a LONG time. I remember it from the late ’50s when I was at Cal Berkeley.

Wherein,it is related how that paragon of womanly virtue, young Polly Nomial (our heroine), is accosted by the notorious villian, Curly Pi, and factored (oh, Horror!).

Once Upon a time (1/t), pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly matrix. … Read the rest...

Thoughts on Getting Old

From Mel Lett.

OLD AGE The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.

Old age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have … Read the rest...

On Spending a Night in a Hotel…

By Bob Dvorak

The architect and interior designer for the new hotel faced an interesting problem. The plans called for hundreds of rooms. And the layout of the hotel included a central corridor which would be several hundred feet long.

They immediately recognized that, over time, any floor covering in this area would not survive the traffic for any great length of time; at the same time, in sleeping areas, a durable material such as ceramic or marble tile would … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #45: Film At Eleven

The series by Paul de Anguera continues.

In the court of Queen Pharaoh Dei, deep within the ruins of Musawwarat-es-Sufra, a benumbed silence followed the First Mate’s tale of the whore’s sofa. Kernel Sanders took advantage of the distraction to step to the right side of the throne; Sir Hillary was already in position at the left.

“‘Enin sevas emit ni hctits a!'” Sanders growled menacingly. The Queen’s expression changed to one of alarm.

“‘Erusiel ta tneper, etsah ni…'” Sir … Read the rest...

How Bigfoot Got His Name

By Alan B. Combs

One of the common themes of public lore is the topic of folk monsters. There is the Hispanic chupacabra that does unmentionable things to goats. There is the Wendigo of Canadian and Native Americans, and we are all familiar with the predations of the Himalayan Yeti.

We may also be familiar with another Canadian folk monster, but until recently it has been unclear how he got his name. This creature was first reported in the Province … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #44: Sofa, So Good

The series by Paul de Anguera continues, though this is more complicated than many because the help of the patrons at alt.callahans (a wonderful Usenet virtual bar) is requested. Such help, of course, is not always on topic. I have indicated this participation with brackets.

(Thanks to Liquor of alt.callahans for technical assistance.)

The First Mate finished the tale of the Russian cabinetmaker and glanced around the throne room. Sir Hillary and Kernel Sanders had taken advantage of the distraction … Read the rest...

Harvey & Gladys (Sadly Adult Theme)

Tom Vickery sent this gentle tale. The author is not known.

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

“You know, Harvey,” she comments. “I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my breasts sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons and…my butt looks … Read the rest...