All posts for the month November, 2005

The Generous Lawyer

This was sent to us by Don Drinnon. The author is not known.

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house … Read the rest...

Sheep Joke

The author of this tale is not known. No one is ever going to take credit for it. The one who sent it to me said, “You know this is going to be baaad.” Why are all the sheep jokes that way?

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.”

Wife replies, “I think you’ll … Read the rest...

Four Facts of Religion

The author is not known, though, the tale is very old.

These are 4 very important facts of religion:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.… Read the rest...

The Dachshund in the Jungle

Totally silly, totally delightful. This was sent to us by Bob Levi.

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed … Read the rest...

Positions (An Ancient, Classic, Adult Shaggy Puppy)

This is another of those tales I long remember, from high school at the latest. This version was posted on the shaggydog listserv. The author is not known.

Neil Smythe, Professor of Sexual Physiology at Oxford, was lecturing his class. “And so, gentlemen, as you can see through a consideration of the anatomical possibilities, there are precisely seventy-six distinct positions possible in the sex act. If we classify these positions – -”

At this point, however, a deferential French student … Read the rest...

Longhorn Musicians

By Alan B. Combs

I’ve been watching football all day. It finally hit me that if the Longhorn music and marching organization ever ended up in Massachusetts, I wonder if they’d be band in Boston.… Read the rest...

Vick’s VapoRub

This was posted on the groaners listserv. The author is not known.

A man had a furniture store specializing in ornate baroque style antiques. He had a terrible cold, but was at his store working anyway.

He was sitting in one of the baroque style chairs rubbing Vicks VapoRub on his aching chest when he, quite by accident, got some on the chair. This proved serendipitous, as he discovered that the soothing ointment gave the furniture a wonderful, deep, rich … Read the rest...

Getting in Trouble At Dove Season

A real-life tale by avid hunter Lowrie Beacham.

My wife isn’t speaking to me. Yesterday at breakfast she was reading the sale brochures, and knowing it’s approaching dove season, and I might need shells (I always need shells), and seeing that Dick’s Sporting Goods had a sale, she incautiously asked, “Do you want to look at Dick’s?”

And I even more incautiously replied, “Honey, you of all people know I’m straight.” A 90 minute church service following was not enough … Read the rest...

Texas Dig

An original by rosecatt with additions by the usual suspects.

Professor Thornwankle was excited. He and his archaeology students had been working for months, tediously sifting sand and excavating a small site deep within a rock outcropping in Eastern Texas. It was a Clovis-period site and many interesting artifacts had been discovered.

The most fascinating discovery was what appeared to be a long extinct primative colony of large marsupials. Curiously, such marsupials had never before been documented in Texas but … Read the rest...

World’s Shortest Fairy Tale

This is from Lowrie. I endorse the concept, but I’ll bet his wife doesn’t know he is sending such things.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “Will you marry me?”

The girl said, “No.”

And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing and fishing a lot.

Mitch Friedman indicates that the above fairy tale correlates well with the following story.

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under … Read the rest...