All posts for the month November, 2004

Hospital ROOM 302

This is an old story. Mel Lett sent me this version.

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will appreciate it.

A woman called a local hospital. “Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse.”

The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”… Read the rest...

The Evil Magician Debush

The author of this tale is not known.

Prince Phillip was a musician of great renown. One day, he was captured by the evil magician Debush and held for torture and ransom. The prince despaired of ever escaping.

One night, one of the magician’s magic stockings came to him. “I am a captive like yourself” the sock declared. “If I help you escape, will you give me my freedom?”

“Yes, certainly,” said the amazed prince. The stocking grew in size … Read the rest...

On a Texas Highway

This was sent by Bill Pardue. The author is not known. This story was first published here a few years back, but it continues to be very topical.

A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition. “What are you going to do with the money?” asked the policeman.

“Well, I guess I’m going to get a … Read the rest...

Today’s History Lesson

This was sent to me by Tom Vickery. Deep in my heart, I have certain reservations about the authenticity of this tale.

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, “You gotta be shittin’ me!” came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country. Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and … Read the rest...

So Help Me, It’s True…

By Alan B. Combs

One of the categories of useful cardiovascular drugs that I cover in my classes is that of anticoagulants, drugs that decrease blood clotting. Anyone that watches commercials knows that aspirin is highly touted for this property. One of the wonderful ironies, however, is that Nature frequently has done it better than we can.

We have clinically useful anticoagulants derived from leech saliva (hirudin, hirulog, and others). As far as I know, no one is studying mosquito … Read the rest...

A Silly Little Whose Zoo

Complete with many uncertain Allieusions, this is by Charlotte Herzele, Miss Scarlett, my unsurpassed Pun Mistress.

I thought that headline said SPAMSCARE. Now, that’s a really scary thought. We must get armour to protect ourselves against scary spam. As if the hams of the world weren’t enough to send us into high burn nation.

So, speaking of burns, there was a big fire at the San Antonio Zoo. I would have said Sand Iego Zoo, but it’s too far away … Read the rest...

A Blonde at the Crosswalk

This story was published on the groaners listserv. The author is not known.

The traffic light wasn’t working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic. Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians!” The swelling throng surged across Broadway — all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on … Read the rest...

English is sooooo easy!!

This is not completely punny, but is so close. This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. The portion following the list is by Richard Lederer. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must … Read the rest...

Clementine Perverted?

This culinary tale is by Bob Dvorak.

While dining at a local cozy restaurant recently, my spouse and I were serenaded by a young man wielding a guitar. Grinning at us, he sang [… go ahead, sing along]:

“In a tavern, my companion,
Diced potatoes, poured the wine.
Broth the taste out, consomme-tin’,
Delicious soup, on which to dine.”

As he spread his hands apart to receive a round of applause, I asked him, “Is this intended to be a … Read the rest...

Marital Discard

This was sent by Tom Vickery. The author is unknown.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you … Read the rest...