All posts for the month November, 2003

New Drugs

This compilation is making the rounds. I received this one from Carol Eckert.

The Food and Drug Administration has just announced the following drugs have been released for trial in the U.S.

DAMITOL – Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. MOM’S WORT – Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTNESTROGEN – Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing … Read the rest...

Naughty Dog

By Alan B. Combs

Overheard the other day at a party:

“I am about to kill my dog!”

“I thought that beautiful dog could do no wrong. What happened?”

“I was sorting through my old vinyl collection, and he came in and peed all over the most valuable ones, ruining several of the album covers.”

“I am sorry to hear that. I wonder why he did it?”

“I guess he just wanted to go on record.”… Read the rest...

The Klutz

This pun cascade appeared on the groaners listserv. It is by Chomi.

Clifford Clarke was a careless chap. Every hostess hated him. They feared for their precious porcelain and good furniture whenever this emulator of a china shop bull appeared. His reputation spread and eventually he became a pariah. No one would ask him to a party for fear of damage.

Then one charitable, kindly woman felt sorry for him. “C. C. can’t be all that bad,” she said. “The … Read the rest...

The New Dog

The author of this tale is unknown.

A guy gets a new dog and he can’t wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart the critter is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open in classic doggie-smile position, eyes bright with anticipation.

The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and … Read the rest...

The Stand-Up Comic

This variant is by Stan Kegel. Thank you.

The stand-up comic was not funny. His jokes never got a laugh. But he persisted in getting up every night at the coffee-shop and go through his whole routine. Boos and jeers never stopped him.

Finally one regular at the establishment brought a dozen eggs and started belting him with them as he told his stories. This got more laughs than the jokes, and every day more and more patrons would bring … Read the rest...


Sweet and subtle, this was posted on the groaners listserv. The author is not known.

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. “Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?”

“Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life.”

“What happened?”

“Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off … Read the rest...

Tired and Thirsty According to Ethnicity

This was published on the groaners listserv. The author is not known.

The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”

The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”

The Scot says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have scotch.”

The Swede says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.”

The Japanese says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have sake.”

The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”

The German … Read the rest...

Man and Ostrich!

This comes from my sister-in-law Marbella. The author is unknown.

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his … Read the rest...

Rock On

By Alan B. Combs. This was my entry in the 26th Annual O. Henry PunOffs in May 2003. I did much better this year, but the winners were just superb!

Most of you have probably heard of the wrestler-turned-movie-actor known as The Rock. This is the tragic tale about his trying to become a physician.

This was his ambition, this powerful drive to become a doctor because as a youth he was on emergency DYE-ALYSIS — which turned him a … Read the rest...

New Viagra Gum

From Sam and Bob in The Morning, a popular radio program in Austin.

Local Austin talk hosts Sam and Bob were talking this morning about a new pharmaceutical product reputed to be under development — chewing gum containing Viagra. They got around to discussing who the manufacturer most likely would be. The consensus choice was the Wrigley Company.… Read the rest...