All posts for the month September, 2003

The Riverboats

This was published on the groaners listserv. The author is unknown.

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?”

The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”… Read the rest...

The Ring

This is from ODDJOKES! and the groaners list serve. The author is not known.

An Irishman, by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler.

He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.

The young lass on learning it wasn’t real, returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

“It … Read the rest...

The Lifeboat

This nautical tale, published on the groaners listserv, is by Stan Kegel.

The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely.

As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes.

Finally, one of the sailors came up … Read the rest...

The Horse

From the groaners listserv, the author of this shaggy tale is unknown.

Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his horse, John. He would call out, “Hey there, John, old buddy, how’s everything today?” and then bridle his horse. One day while going through this routine he said, “Hey there, John…” when, to his surprise, the horse turned around and interrupted him!

He said, “For months now, you’ve walked in here and said, ‘Hey there, John, old … Read the rest...

Stool Pigeon

Punmaster Gary Hallock creates these like a sparkler. For example:

Sometimes a punning opportunity is just too good for its own good. That is to say, the situation sets you up so well that you suspect divine intervention. I had such a moment recently when I was visiting my parents.

Unlike many men, my father is surprisingly good about NOT leaving the toilet seat up. Consequently, he’s often critical of those who do. Whenever he senses that I am heading … Read the rest...

Noah’s Ark Revisited

This was sent to us by John Storey. The author is not known. Thanks, John.

A few years after the Great Flood, God spoke to Noah again.

“I’m not very happy about the way things have turned out”, He said, “so I’m going to send another flood. This time though, I want you to build a different Ark. I’m fed up with the animals — they fight all the time and eat one another; birds aren’t much better. Now fish … Read the rest...

Never Underestimate Your Mother

This was sent to me by my former student, Harry Hazelwood, III. The author is unknown.

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but keep noticing how beautiful was Brian’s roommate, Stephanie. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and his roommate, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, Mrs. Hester started to wonder … Read the rest...

The Old Man

The author of this tale is not known. It does have a biting comment about human nature, though, doesn’t it?

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds.… Read the rest...

The Dog Show

This is by Gary Hallock.

The annual canine obedience competition was only a week away when suddenly the dog trainer’s union went on strike. Non-union workers were hired to finish up training the dogs for the show. Training was going well as the replacement workers taught the dogs about fetching, rolling over & sitting.

Worried that they may lose their jobs entirely, the striking union members began to march with protest signs outside the training arena. This all began just … Read the rest...

Masked Hero

This is by Stan Kegel.

The couple left the gynecologist’s office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. “I think I can help you,” he said, handing them a card.

“Why are you masked?” the husband asked.

“Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor … Read the rest...