All posts for the month November, 2000

A Tall Ship Tale #1 — The Teacher

This is the first of many tales by Paul de Anguera who tells us, “These are the voyages of the frigate H.M.S. Legume. Its mission; to seek out new words and new incivilities. To boldly go where no pun has gone before! ” This story features quite a nice pun, but it helps to be familiar with a very famous science fiction novel written by Walter M. Miller, Jr.

The old ships were a marriage of wind and water, and … Read the rest...

Who’s the boss?

This is recycled humor posted on alt.callahans, though I have seen earlier versions. The original author is unknown.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

“I should be in charge,” said the brain, “because I run all the systems, so without me nothing would happen”.

“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should … Read the rest...

What Would I Do Without Ewe?

This is by Bradley on the PUNY (Punsters United Nearly Yearly) listserv.

The topic of discussion on the listserv was that someone needed a good name for a sheep.

“How about Galahad?? You know there’s no substitute for a good Knight’s Sheep.”… Read the rest...

How To Write Puns, Part II

Last week, I sent out Hymie Koshevoy’s gentle work which concluded, “Thus there will be: … Foam on the range where the beer and the cantaloupe stay….”

Pun Mistress, Scarlett Herzele, claiming that this work seduced her away from her more appropriate academic pursuits, sent me the following.

When I tried this exercise [writing puns], I had it all typed out and saved on a diskette. A grackle flew down and let loose on my diskette, corroded it and I … Read the rest...

Bad Pharmaceuticals

The following exchange took place a few years ago on that virtuous (or was that virtual) bar, alt.callahans. Here we feature John Barnstead followed by Magus Firecow.

Pernicious the Musquodoboit Harbour Farm Cat tsk tsks sadly at the misinformation willfully propagated by this no doubt well-intentioned morality tale (a tale formerly included in this collection): imagine ANYONE considering being made a MOUSE to be a PROMOTION (in anything but the advertising sense of that word…). He meows mournfully, which, being … Read the rest...

Shakespeare, Kahn, and my friend Gary

by Alan B. Combs

Many of you are familiar with our Fearless Leader, Gary Hallock, Punster Extraordinaire, from whose lips wordplay flows like photons of light from a Fourth of July sparkler. I’ll bet, however, you haven’t heard of his long-forgotten uncle, a poverty-stricken clock-maker from Ye Old Country. This gentleman’s specialty was refurbishing large grandfather clocks. His work was of excellence that these mechanisms became known for their elegant workmanship and great accuracy.

It was during the War, however, … Read the rest...

A Morayly Correct Parable

An original creation from Chris Cole.

That story reminds me of a moray eel who was a bit of a pack rat; he just couldn’t throw anything away. He even rented one of those self-storage lockers from the local Store-All center to contain the overflow of his obsession. His friends assumed the eel must be storing something of great value in his rented space, but in spite of all his apparent earthly riches, when he died and they opened it … Read the rest...

Barking Up The Wrong Tree?

Another original from the synapses of Chris Cole.

A renown plant pathologist was called in to determine why a group of trees in a particular forest were rapidly succumbing to some kind of disease. No sooner would one tree’s bark began to shrivel up and turn an ugly yellow-green, than it would quickly spread to all the trees around it. It was a terrible sight to behold.

Some trees tried to grow extra replacement layers of bark, but the increased … Read the rest...

Another from the 1999 Bulwer Contest

The Annual Bulwer-Lytton writing contest is based upon the much stolen beginning line by Snoopy, “It was a dark and stormy night…” The contest is run each year by the Department of English at San Jose State University. The award is given to the worst lead-in to a wretched story.

“Just look, ya bloomin’ idiot,” Eleanor Rugglesby-Bobsyeruncle, the world-famous cockney art collector, screamed at her assistant, Ivan Ivanovich, illegitimate son of the Secret Czar, Ivanovichi, “ya packed me priceless Don … Read the rest...

Cardinal Choice

This was published by Larry [] on the Gaggle of Groaners listserv.

With the passing of Cardinal O’Connor in New York, the Vatican will need to replace him. One candidate, Bishop Sicola, has outstanding qualifications but unfortunately, won’t be picked. If he was ever elevated to Cardinal, it would be an unpardonable sin if he were then elected to the Church’s highest position — because you would then have Pope Sicola.… Read the rest...