All posts for the month February, 2000

Different Strokes

I received this from Howell Gwin. The author is Stan Kegel.

A bloke and his girlfriend are having a bit of rumpy-pumpy in the back of his van. All is going splendidly until the girl starts screaming “Whip me, whip me”. The man desperately looks around for a bit of rope or cable, anything with which he can give her what she wants. Finally, he winds down lashing – much to his girlfriend’s delight!

Several weeks later the girl visits … Read the rest...

The Politician

A would-be politician who didn’t speak well asked his friend for advice. His friend said, “You should start with a question like, ‘Why are we all here?'”

The politician tried out the idea before various audiences, and everything went well until he somehow got persuaded to speak to the inmates of an insane asylum. He began in his usual way, “Why are we all here?”

Quick as a flash came back a reply from a voice in the audience: “Because … Read the rest...

Apostle John

This was inspired by a Dr. Fun cartoon. Dave Farley, [], is a wonderful source of scientific, frequently rude, and alway funny daily cartoons. This is used with permission.

It is said that St. Luke was a physician, but according to legend, certain healing powers were also ascribed to the Apostle John. We should remember that frequently the healer is also wounded, and during John’s ministry, he found his right hand marked with a horny protuberence. It could be surgically … Read the rest...

Special gift (Rude Christmas Variant)

I received this from Tom Vickery, an old friend, but it shows evidence of having been around for a while.

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for!

It’s a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas Carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but … Read the rest...

The Warship

This was posted on the Groaners listserv.

A few years ago the nuclear aircraft carrier Enterprise was returning to its base at the Oakland-Alameda Naval Base when the ship’s captain, misreading the tides, managed to run the carrier aground on the mud flats of San Francisco bay.

This event went down in history as being one of the finest examples of . . . grounding the warship you walk on.… Read the rest...

Tree Hugger

This is by BILL LOHSTROH [].

Moe was an avid tree hugger and animal activist. His sole purpose in life was to recruit others to his cause. Moe and his pet and mascot , the spotted owl, traveled the lower forty-eight states gathering new members.

Now, Moe ( not the sharpest pencil in the box) scheduled a membership drive in the state of Oregon. A great many of the population of Oregon are loggers and not a fan of the … Read the rest...

Nice Scream

This is from Howell Gwin, who is getting into it, more and more.

Once upon a time, there were two robins who woke one day to find the sun shining, a light breeze blowing, not a cloud in the sky! They went down, found breakfast, had a drink, baths (water AND dust) and decided to take the rest of the day off from whatever-it-is-that-robins-do.

So they found a good patch of turf, lay down, stretched a time or two and … Read the rest...

I hope you don’t mime….

This portion of a larger punish usenet conversation is attributed to Rilla Marshall.

A mime had a show to do, but also had a very bad cough. He went to a health foods store and asked for something for his cough. The clerk suggested that he make some cinnamon stick and thyme tea. The next day in Variety, a headline said, “A stick in thyme saves mime.”… Read the rest...

How They May Do It at Lamar Univ.

This is from Howell H. Gwin, Jr.

I noticed when I came to school this morning, our Political Science Department is getting new computers. I’m not surprised, since they’ve probably worn out their old ones sending angry e-mail to everybody in (or out of) politics.

They are being patriotic, though, since they’ve traded in their foreign made Compaqs for computers made in Austin.

They are now being called THE FLAMERS AND THE DELL.… Read the rest...

A Shaggy Dog at M. D. Anderson

by Alan B. Combs

Much, if not all of this is the truth. I will let you decide exactly how much. Every so often, we toxicological wizards have to go to professional meetings. There was one last Friday and Saturday in Houston, a meeting of the local chapter of the toxicology society. The meeting was mostly a chance for the graduate students to show their work, but I did come away with one new consideration.

We met at Houston’s M. … Read the rest...