All posts for the month March, 1999

Queen Isabella

This tale is by Terry Morrison, author of “Mattress-ide and Other Grammatical Atrocities”.

Queen Isabella watched proudly as the ships left the quay. A large part of her Treasury had gone into the construction of the fleet but it was necessary to keep those damn Englishmen from invading her country. They were a nuisance, no doubt about it.

But Her Highness had another, more practical reason for having such a fleet. The New World had just been discovered and she … Read the rest...


This was posted on the groaners listserv by Stan Kegel.

British royalty has had it’s share of troubles, but one scandal is little known, as it was settled out of court, and hidden from the tabloids.

What happened was, years earlier, a man named Andrew Loynes was born into the third generation of ranchers that tended the royal’s livestock. Unfortunately, when Andrew was young, he was molested by a Prince, and he never got over it.

A few years later, … Read the rest...

A warning to all punsters

This was posted on the virtual bar alt.callahans by Warin the grizzly bear.

The grizzly, looking rather shaken, shambles through the doorway. “I never woulda thought it.”

Mike wordlessly offers him a bottle of IBC, his usual, but doesn’t say anything. Half a bottle later, he’s still waiting, polishing glasses, the bar, and the brass chime sitting next to the cigar box.

“I’ve been told, by a source I consider reliable, that puns are infernally motivated.”

Mike (Callahan) quickly sets … Read the rest...

Spies of Life

This is one of the better ones. It is by Ted Brett from his book “Don’t Book a Judge by His Cover”. It was posted to the groaners listserv.

During the most intensive days of the cold war, the Central Intelligence Agency undertook a recruitment drive to booster its ranks and try to rectify the Soviet intelligence advantages.

During the initial interviews, two candidates appeared particularly promising. Wayne and Amber were a brother and sister team. Although their fervor and … Read the rest...

The Insomniac

Author unknown, this was sent to us by Stan Kegel who realized we didn’t have it in the collection.

Miguel Rodriquez long suffered from insomnia. It was a rare night that he slept more than an hour. He had consulted numerous physicians in Mexico and the United States but none had been able to help him. Even the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful night of sleep. One day, Miguel met and fell in love with a beautiful … Read the rest...

Texas Independence

This was posted on the groaners listserv.

Texas makes us think of the old slogan “Remember the Alamo.” It seems that during that famous battle, Col. Wm. B. Travis, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line. After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and … sued for Alamo knee.… Read the rest...

The Russian Newspaper Boy

By Stan Kegel

People felt sorry for the poor little Russian boy with his arms full of newspapers. But Ivan held his head high with pride, for after all, he did have a clutch of Tass.… Read the rest...

Frank Buck

Did you ever hear the one about Frank Buck? Frank Buck was the greatest animal trapper that ever lived. He trapped animals for zoos, for circuses, for side shows, for almost anything. During his long career he made quite a name for himself as the greatest animal trapper that ever lived.

One day, like many men, Frank Buck reached the age of sixty-five and decided to retire. So, our hero bought himself a little farm in Louisville, Kentucky and settled … Read the rest...

Shocking Music (Feghoot No. LVI)

The Feghoot series is by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pseudonym of Grendel Briarton.

The natives of Qsgg III, besides being exceedingly vain of their sciences and arts, were the busiest non-humanoids in the galaxy. In their desire to excel, they produced new theories and gadgets by the hundreds of thousands, created astounding new architectures, made mobiles, painted, and composed concerti from morning to night.

Only in the performing arts were they really inferior, and they struggled for years to … Read the rest...

Sportscaster Abe

From Stan Kegel, the author is unknown.

If Abe Lincoln were alive today, he would have become a baseball announcer before starting a career in politics, I can hear him announcing in his strong voice, “Yes folks, the Yankees were once in this game But that was four scores and seven errors ago.”… Read the rest...