All posts for the month January, 1999

More Cloning Around

From the Gag-O-Matic Joke Server (, and posted through the groaners listserv.

Did you hear about the disaster at a major U.S. University? The scientists were cloning monkeys and one of them exploded. They are trying to determine what went wrong by sifting through the Rhesus pieces.… Read the rest...

Smart Dog

Robert W. Leisure posted this shorty on the Groaners listserv.

In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for “Si,” and twice for “No.” After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He, thereby, became

. . . the world’s first “Si” and “Aye” dog!… Read the rest...

Crimean Punishment

Another synaptic sampling from Chris Cole

Captain Song Lohn Jilver of the Crimean Navy was about to punish a rather crude and rude sailor on deck. The Captain had the sailor tied to the mast and his shirt ripped off. Then the Captain proceeded to shout out, “You are a heel, sir! You are a boor, a cad, a dispicable person, a nasty lad, a low-life….” On and on went the Captain’s tirade as he paced about, arms wildly waving.… Read the rest...

How To Write Groaners

This was written by Himie Koshevoy and posted to the Groaners listserv.

You too can write puns. Here is how you do it in one easy lesson ….

Ranch furnishing in the sage brush country is informal and haphazard. For instance, picture a kitchen with a wood range for cooking and as well, there is a second, older stove, rusting and decrepit, no longer useful except as a table. On top of it sits a squat ice refrigerator to keep … Read the rest...


Another selection by Bob Levi.

With the world stock and commodity markets becoming extremely competitive due to electronic trading, the top management people at various exchanges and trading boards throughout the U.S. decided to investigate a unified trading site. So the officers of all the U.S. stock exchanges and commodity trading groups met to discuss the situation.

Representatives came from the large exchanges — the New York Stock Exchange, the American Stock Exchange, NASDAQ, the Chicago Board of Trade, the … Read the rest...

Test of Faith

This is by Ken Pearce, was published in _The Pundit_, and was sent to the Groaners listserv.

One day in a town full of devout people, the faith of all was tested by a wall of water that was headed their way. Everyone rushed to their religious leaders who besought their particular deities for help but the wall ofwa.ter kept coming!

The townsfolk turned to the one leader who had done nothing because he was in bed with laryngitis. He … Read the rest...

This Little Piggy

The idea for this shaggy dog came from paTRICK heSTER who published the punchline on the P.U.N.Y. listserv.

Medically these days, we have to worry not only about human diseases, but diseases of our companion and service animals. The possibility of the prions responsible for mad cow disease being transmitted to humans is of considerable recent notoriety in the media. Oprah has just been the tip of the iceberg, to mix a metaphor. Iowa pig farmers have an additional worry … Read the rest...

Old Volkswagens and other Beatles

From: Liquor via: alt.callahans

It seems that there is a local band that started to get a few more gigs – that’s paid gigs, not just places they could play — after they started incorporating some old Beatles tunes into their repertoire.

They had covers for such songs as ‘Yellow Submarine’, ‘When I’m 64’, and a really funky arrangement of ‘Hey Jude’. Reverend Spooner, one of the organizers of the local country fair, decided that it would be terrific if … Read the rest...

Tennis, anyone?

I received this from the Groaners listserv via Stan Kegel.

There was a young lad who was counting on his Uncle Al to take him to the circus. On the big day, however, his mother told him that his Uncle had flown to Australia to see the Davis Cup matches.

“I didn’t know Uncle Al loved that game so much,” mourned the boy.

“Oh, but he does,” she assured him, “Many’s the time I’ve heard … Alfred laud tennis, son!”… Read the rest...

Some other Knight, my Dear

This Groaner is from Hal Gwinn, the block from which certain precious chips have fallen. Understanding this one is a diagnostic indication of your age, by the way.

There’s a very old (’60’s) story about two mediaeval noblemen travelling to Jerusalem. They were passing through a desolate region in which there were no Cluniac monasteries (Cluniacs – no kidding- were great supporters of the Crusades) so the knights were very happy to see a large castle up ahead. They knocked … Read the rest...