Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Zoo Medicine

Category: Rated G

This is by Scott Lux


The zookeeper is seeing his psychiatrist and explains the source of his depression. “We have a wonderful specimen of Ursus maritimus but he has problems. If there is no other bear in the habitat with him, he stops eating, becomes very sluggish, and his coat fades from brilliant white to a dingy gray. Visitors think the bear is maltreated, and attendance goes down.

“If there is another bear in the habitat, he eats well, is very animated, and his coat is practically blinding. But he tries to mate with the other bear constantly. I’ve tried putting in another male bear, but the result was the same. As a result, visitors are shocked and disgusted and attendance drops.

“I’ve tried every therapy known to veterinary science, with no success. I’m afraid we’ll have to destroy the bear.”

The doctor replies, “Treat the bear with Lithium.” He prescribes a dose based on the bear’s weight, and sends the zookeeper on his way.

A month later the psychiatrist goes to the zoo to check up on the bear. The zookeeper greets him enthusiastically and gushes his thanks. “The bear is wonderful, he is the picture of health. He entertains the visitors, and has become the biggest attraction here. I can’t thank you enough, but I’m curious. How did you know how to treat the bear?”

The psychiatrist answers with a smirk, “It seemed the best treatment for a bi- polar bear.”

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