Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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You Know You’re Getting Older When….

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G

This is from the groaners listserv.  I keep running into these things more and more these days.  Dang it.


– When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
– When your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
– When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
– When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
– When your wife says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”
– Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
– When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
– You know you’re getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!
– You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
– Your back goes out, but you stay home.
– You wake up, looking like your driver’s license picture.
– It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
– Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
– Happy hour is a nap.
– When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
– Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
– It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
– Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
– The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
– It takes twice as long to look half as good.
– The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
– You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
– You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
– You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.
– You have more patience; but actually, it’s just that you don’t care any more.
– You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
– You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
– You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
– You don’t know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
– Let’s face it, traveling just isn’t as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
– Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
– You’re suffering from alzheimer’s disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
– Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
– Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
– It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
– If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.
– People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
– Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
– Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
– Your eyes won’t get much worse.
– Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
– Things you buy now won’t wear out.
– No one expects you to run into a burning building.
– There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
– Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
– In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
– You’re sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
– You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing “Kumbaya.”
– Someone compliments you on your layered look…. and you’re wearing a bikini.
– You start video taping daytime game shows.
– You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
– At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
– Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
– Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”
– It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
– You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
– You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
– You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
– You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
– You look both ways before crossing a room.
– You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
– You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
– You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
– Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
– Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
– The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.
– All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
– The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
– You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
– Your back goes out more than you do. 
– You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 
– You buy a compass for the dash of your car. 
– You are proud of your lawn mower. 
– Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn’t breaking any laws. 
– Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
– You sing along with the elevator music. 
– You would rather go to work than stay home sick. 
– You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. 
– You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations. 
– You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
– You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 
– Neighbors borrow your tools. 
– People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?” 
– You have a dream about prunes. 
– You send money to PBS. 
– The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants. 
– You take a metal detector to the beach. 
– You wear black socks with sandals. 
– You know what the word “equity” means. 
– You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. 
– Your ears are hairier than your head. 
– You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn. 
– You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 
– You got cable for the weather channel. 
– You can go bowling without drinking. 
– You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it. 
– Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
– You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.
– Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
– Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
– Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
– You look forward to a dull evening.
– Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
– You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
– You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
– You don’t remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
– You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
– You don’t remember being absent minded.
– “Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take a laxative.
– Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
– Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet

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