What I’ve learned — By Satan

Shayne Gad passed this along to us. Thank you, Sir. Esquire magazine runs a segment in every issue called “What I’ve Learned,” where they run quotes and snippets from some famous person.In the January 2004 issue they ran 15 of them, then ended the magazine with one more.

What I’ve learned — By Satan

I prefer Mephistopheles. God calls me Satan.

These days, a lot of people overestimate what they can get for their souls. Frankly, it’s a buyer’s market.

I’m not gonna lie to you. Heaven is a nice place. All the harp music just made me snap.

First sit through a David Arquette movie, then, talk to me about eternal suffering.

I generally tell people to bring lots of bottled water, a good pair of sunglasses, and plenty of SPF 45.

When you’re in Hell, you have a horrible eternal thirst that can never, ever be quenched — but a cold, crisp Heineken comes close.

I used to try to cover my horns with a hat. I look back at old pictures and it’s like, what was I thinking?

Please, I don’t even own that pitchfork, anymore!

I see you’re working on a Mac laptop. Myself, I’m a Windows guy, 100 percent.

Clean while you cook. I can’t stress that enough.

Have you heard the expression “Hell is other people”? This is true, especially if the other people are French.

The most evil person ever? Hmmm. Good question, good question. How’d God answer that one? If you’re just talking about the numbers, then, of course, Hitler. But start looking at the intangibles and Courtney Love emerges as a real contender.

If you think I’m bad, you should meet my agent.

Christianity is all about tolerance and sharing and hugs. Then the devil worshipers show up, and it’s like, “Check, please.” I can’t stand that kind of hypocrisy.

God’s an easy man to love but a hard guy to live with.

At least down here you can still smoke in bars.

You spend millions of eons cultivating serious fear and loathing — really working on your craft, you know? Then some copywriter at Ogilvy thinks it would be really clever to use a little devil to sell his ass ointment. Poof! There goes your credibility. As an artist, that can be frustrating.

I’m not taking all the credit, but honestly, can you name a better party snack than the deviled egg?

I don’t know if I’d use the term “role model,” but yeah, Mike Eisner is someone I look up to.

With the number of publicists we have down here, you’d think we’d have a better image.

I don’t care what he does next, I am not admitting Mike Tyson. That dude is twisted.

I hung a “WELCOME KEITH RICHARDS” banner down here every day for 40 years. Eventually I just gave up.

When you’re the devil, women instantly suspect your motives. Also, Asian restaurants assume that you want everything “extra spicy.”

Seriously though, what the hell is brimstone?

Take it from the guy who spends a lot of time hovering around people’s ears, waxy buildup is a huge problem.

You think you’ve got it all figured out and then Christian rock comes along and messes with the boundaries.

I wouldn’t mind seeing Colin Farrell play me.

That whole “idle hands” thing really irks me. I mean, war, pestilence, reality television — that stuff doesn’t just happen by itself.

You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

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