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Welcome to the Mental Health Telephone Helpline

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G

This was posted on the groaners listserv.


Welcome to the Mental Health Telephone Helpline.

Please note that due to a shortage of rooms, today’s Agoraphobia Workshop has been moved to the Picnic Area.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.

If you are in denial, please press 6 to confirm that everything is OK.

We already know if you are paranoid, and are tracing your call right now. We’ll get you soon.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.

If you are delusional, please press 7 and we will beam you back to your mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, the voices will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which button you press – no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fiddle with the # key until a representative comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, please press 6996669696.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.

For details of the Anger Management class, please press 8 VERY GENTLY.

If you have amnesia, please press 9 and state your name, address, phone number, date and place of birth, Social Security number, bank account number and your mother’s maiden name, then memorize the reference number we give you.

If you are suffering from a guilt complex, you shouldn’t have phoned us in the first place and you are just wasting our valuable time.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.

If you are anorexic, your pizza will be delivered within 30 minutes.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up now. No one wants to talk to a pitiful loser like you, you JackWagon.

If you are disorientated, please a message leave the bleep after, or before the bleep, or leave a bleep after the message. Or after the bleep. Please tone the wait for.

If you have an addictive personality, please press * to repeat this message.

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