This was my presentation for the 2008 O. Henry Punoff. It has been evolving over several years. I liked it. The judges didn’t, not at all.

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Here at The University, the school song is “The Eyes of Texas.” It is vaguely reminiscent of “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad”, but with much deeper meaning and sincerity, of course.

My schtick works pretty well as an audience participation Call-and-Answer. I suggest the premise for the variant, and the audience comes back with the variant on the Eyes of Texas. For example, in the case of Simple Simon, the answer would be the “Pies of Texas are Upon You.”

So, here we go.

Local meteorologists and the Weather Channel?

The Skies

Children in a toddlers’ nursery? (Two answers)

The Why’s

The Cries

The CIA and the NSA?

The Spies

The meat standing out at a local sausage factory?

The Flies

Goodyear, Michelin, and Pirelli?

The Plies

The Texas State Legislature? (Two answers)

The Lies

The Demise (of Texas is Upon You)

Office Depot/Office Max?

The Supplies

Peaceful Thoughts (with audience’s eyes closed and people relaxed)?

SURPRISE! (Shouted Loudly)

Peaceful Thoughts in a Japanese Office Depot/Max (audience’s eyes closed and people relaxed)?

SUPPLIES (Shouted Loudly)

Batman and Robin?

Disguise

Bette Davis?

What else? The Eyes

Finally, the Ladies at the Chicken Ranch? There are at least two good answers. I will leave this exercise up to you.

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Chris Callouet responded:

Fun! Back when Tim Burton’s interpretation of “Planet of the Apes” debuted, I entertained myself in a similar fashion by considering what other sorts of planets might be out there. For example:

A wine producing planet: Planet of the Grapes

A planet where they haven’t yet invented CD technology: …Tapes

where they are infatuated with the backs of people’s necks: …Napes

where they like delicate, fruit-filled pancakes: …Crepes

where everyone stares open-mouthed: …Gapes

And so on.