Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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Today’s Stock Market Report

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Puns, Rated G

This is from the groaners listserv.


Helium was up,

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Kite sales hit an all time high.

Fish sales were flounding.

Yoyos continue their cycling up and down.

Yachts were all wet.

Playground equipment went on a slide.

Ice machines were frozen solid.

Paper shredders were tearing up the market.

Fencing was having a field day.

Windows were breaking all records.

Javelin sales had missed the mark.

Hunting equipment is being scoped out.

Gravel futures are bumping along.

Airplanes have gone sky high.

Parachutes seem to be drifting.

Frog legs took a jump.

Medical supplies had a microscopic increase.

Telescopes have a far reaching plan.

Jazz sales are swinging right along.

Cannons balls are simply expoding.

Diamonds are experiencing a hard market.

Rubber band sales are tight.

Suspenders have had nothing happening.

Mouse sales have been squeeking by.

Printer sales seem to have a good margin.

Games have been spinning wildly.

Books have just about recovered..

Running shorts are now on track.

Seat belt sales have been constricted.

Building supplies are going up.

Glues are just holding their own.

Candy futures are looking sweet.

Valium sales are depressed.

Steering wheels have turned the corner.

Kitchen wears are really cooking.

Spatulas are experiencing a big turn over.

Warning: the bubble in gum sales is going to collapse suddenly.

Hydraulic jacks are slowing going up.

Polish Sausages have experienced a dog eat dog reality lately.

Banks are underfunded.

Bed sheets are selling short.

There is but brief news on boxer shorts.

Clock sales are ticking along nicely.

Railroads are now on track.

Golf carts are about par right now.

Sand paper is having a rough time.

Nails are taking a real hammering.

Bolts are slipping but nuts are making a big turn around.

Bridges have been drawing interest lately.

Soap has been slipping badly, and shampoo is down a hair.

Lightbulb sales are dimming badly.

Springs are bouncing back.

Cracker sales are crumbling.

The news on energy is just shocking.

Dryers are spinning out of control.

Wash machines are just going through their cycles.

Exercise equipment sellers are sweating right now.

Home scales are having a heavy resurgence.

The profits on foods are being eaten away.

Medical supplies does not look healthy.

Bricks are holding up nicely.

Ladders are beginning to lean now.

Card board boxes are packing it in.

Electric fan sales are breezing by.

Tractors are ploughing right along.

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