Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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To The Memory of Johnny Carson

Category: Rated PG, Short Snorts

Ms. Scarlett forwarded these words of wisdom.


“What Democracy Means to Me” by Johnny Carson

To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation.

Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice-president.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds.

Democracy is having time set aside to worship — 18 years if you’re Jim Bakker.

Democracy is buying a big house you can’t afford with money you don’t have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto — usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.

Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer.

Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.

Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve.

Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It’s a tradeoff.

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.

Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we’ve just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the “o” out of any rural stop sign you want.

And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head–this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

I thank you.


Other sayings by Johnny Carson:

“If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.”

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”

“I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.”

“For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.”

“Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.”

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.”

“I know you’ve been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.”

“If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.”

“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.”

“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”

“He couldn’t ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner”

“They say atomic radiation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is so can a hockey stick. But we don’t stop building them.”

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”

“The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.”

“What’s all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?”

“In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.”

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