The Witching Time of Fright” by Cynthia MacGregor from “The Ants Are My Friends” by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel (©2007)
There was a woman “of a certain age,” and age had not been kind to her. In fact, her appearance caused some to call her a witch, a fact she eventually turned to her advantage.
You see, the woman had seen both Hannibal Lecter movies and decided she would emulate his example. But unlike cannibal Hannibal, the woman ate only men and also wouldn’t eat her victims raw. Instead, she cooked them, part by part, in her skillet.
When the police eventually arrested her, she claimed, “I’m a witch. Cannibalism is part of my religion. You can’t put me in jail for following my religion.” Her defense partially succeeded, and instead of being sent to jail, she was banished from America.
She picked a faraway country to live in, hoping she could settle down unrecognized. Renouncing witchcraft, she joined a missionary church, led by a pastor named Pease, and became active in the church’s chief activity.
But despite her hope for a new life, unmarred by recognition of her former activities, she hadn’t been living there long when she encountered a new neighbor who, on crossing paths with her, expressed displeasure at having her for a neighbor.
Surprised, she asked, “Do you know who I am?”
The neighbor replied, “You’re a banned old hag, you’re a guy-frying hag, and for Reverend Pease may you save.”