Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


The Wailing Wall

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

This touching tale was told by Liquor on alt.callahans.


“Of course, you have not yet heard about the Clark family’s genetically enhanced baby, Junior, yet. This baby was just a little bit on the strong side. When he wailed, as he often did, his voice would blow things across the room. When Junior wanted out of his crib, well, they used inch thick steel bars to build the crib, and had to have a welder come out to the farm every few days to straighten them.

Junior’s wailing was convenient only when it came time to corral the pigs. For those of you who have never dealt with recalcitrant porcines, they will buck and jump to effectively prevent this. You have convince them that they WANT to be corralled, that you will be their friend, their number one pal, in order to coax them inside. For some reason, Junior was the ace pig-caller in the county.

Of course, all the natural curiosity and clumsiness of a baby combined with all that strength caused quite a bit of wear and tear on the Clark family home. Finally, Mr Clark came up with a plan to help pay for the damages. He covered a wall with several dozen blank canvases, covered every where else in the room with plastic, and placed a lot of paper cups full of paint on a small table in front of a baby seat. (As was most of the baby-related furniture in the Clark home, it was bolted to the floor and had a strong seatbelt.) The plan was to bring Junior in, put him in the seat, and when he gave his almost inevitable wails, it would blow the paints against the canvas.

Mr Clark figured that the resulting paintings would be sufficiently unique that he could sell them for enough money to recoup some of his losses.

Of course, this time when Junior was placed in the baby seat, he just gurgled happily, and started playing with the paint. “AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH,” Mr. Clark screamed. “No, wait, YOU’RE supposed to scream,” and he leaned over and tried to take Junior’s hands away from the paint. Junior, with the advantage of being firmly anchored, simply reached up and grabbed Mr. Clark’s hair, and used the hair to play with the paint. Seeking escape, Mr. Clark then tickled Junior. Junior reacted by throwing Mr Clark headfirst into one of the canvases.

When he got back to his feet, Mr. Clark was quick on the uptake — the painting that his hair had left on the canvas was, well, striking. Pretty soon, he had played and tickled with Junior enough that he had plenty of prints to sell.

Of course, although he never actually told the buyers how he was involved in the production of Junior’s prints. Otherwise, they might have known that —-

Liquor finishes his drink for a dramatic pause, and also because it is easier to duck without a drink in your hand (and vice versa). Meanwhile a British patron beats him to the punch line:

“H’any one ‘oo knows bucking ham pal ace should ‘ave known — The prints of wails is the ‘air of the thrown.”

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