Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


The Wagon Train

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Puns, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy

This is from the groaners listserv. I have seen various versions of the tale, but no others are in the collection.


A long time ago when America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train from the east coast.

The wagon train leader was very inexperienced and soon the people realized they were hopelessly lost. After wandering for weeks and weeks, their food supplies were gone and winter was fast approaching.

As the group came over a hill they saw the first person they had seen for days; an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree.

The leader of the wagon train approached the man. “Can you help us? We’re heading west but we’re lost and all our food is gone. We’re starving.”

The old man replied, “Vell you know, I can see the future…. Wait.. I’m getting a vision now.”

He held one hand to his brow and closed his eyes in concentration. “It’s coming. Oh yes, I see, I see.”

“I know what you must do. Go up this hill and down the other side. Go through the forest and across the stream. Then go up the next hill and down to the valley below. There you will find a bacon tree.”

“A bacon tree?” asked the wagon tree leader.

“A bacon tree. Trust me.. for nuttin I vud lie. I can see the future.”

The wagon train leader shrugged and headed off.

The group followed the strange old man’s directions exactly.

They went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down to the valley below.

Nothing.

Zip.

Zilch.

Not a thing and especially not a bacon tree.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came Indians from all sides.

It was a massacre. All but one man was killed and even he was seriously wounded.

He crawled up the hill, crawled across the stream, crawled through the forest, crawled up the hill and crawled down into the valley.

There, under the tree was that same old Jewish man, still there where they had left him.

The injured man crawled up to him and started shouting… “What were you thinking? You sent us all to our deaths! We followed your instructions to the letter! We went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down the valley below. NO BACON TREE! Just Indians, thousands of them! And the rest of my group! They’re all DEAD!

The man held up his hand and said “Oy wait for it… I’m getting another vision….”

“Oy. Ooooh. Oh, I get it….. Oh my, I made a big mistake…”

“It vuz not a bacon tree… It vuz a hambush!”

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