Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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The Ten Best Stressed Puns of 2004

Category: News, Puns

FOR IMMEDIATE RELIEF TO THE

NEWS TELLERS OF THE WORLD.

On this day, January 1, 2005, as on every New Year’s Day

since 1982, The International Save the Pun Foundation

brings you the results of the voting of its members on the

choices of the best puns of the year. (2004)

There are three kinds of people, those that can count and

those that can’t.

Bearing this rule in mind we role out the International Save

the Pun list of the

10 Best Stressed Puns of 2004.

There is no order ranking these puns but you will notice

they are alphabetical.

These daffynitions count as one. (Now that’s a deal)

Ascent..An aroma.

Brisket..To speed something up.

Castrate..To evaluate all the actors in a movie or play.

Dollop..To dress up attractively.

Exposed..A retired model.

Forthcoming..Three visits weren’t enough.

Germination..The birthplace of Beethoven.

Hi-fidelity..A devoted couple.

Institute..A spontaneous session of wind and brass instruments.

Logarithm..Tapping out the beat of a tune on a tree trunk.

Noose Relief

On this day, January 1, 2007, as on every New Year’s Day since 1982, the International Save the Pun Foundation brings you the results of the voting of its members upun their choices of the best puns of the year. (2006).

There are three kinds of people, those that can count and those that can’t. Bearing this rule in mind we role out the International Save the Pun Foundation’s list of the Best Stressed Puns of 2006.

???

Glibido (v): All talk no action.

Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

(The Washington Post’s Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.)

???

Archaeologists were digging in Norway. They discovered a large statue of

the Norse god Thor. The statue had two large gemstones for eyes. Such a

statue had never before been seen. The two leading archaeologists both

wanted recognition for the find. They began to fight over who made the

discovery. The other archaeologists gathered to watch. Eventually, the

lead archaeologists called a truce. As they walked away, another

archeologist said, “That was clearly a fight for Thor eyes.”

???

BEFORE COMPUTERS if you had a 3 inch floppy you just hoped nobody ever found out!

Subject: Just Say Cheese

The Netherlands is famous for many historic and cultural
accomplishments. It is the first nation to have legalized gay
marriages and marijuana; it is the nation that gave the art world the
incomparable Rembrandt and Vermeer; it is the nation that produces
the world’s most beautiful tulips. In addition, all gourmets know
about Holland’s great cheeses: Edam and Gouda.

Noted for their mild but unmistakable pungency Edam and Gouda are
enjoyed in Holland and throughout the world. Of course, in the
competitive world of marketing, the appearance of a food product is,
perhaps, as important as its taste. So the Dutch cheese industry was
not immune to the need to market its cheeses professionally. Most
cheeses attract buyers through taste and odor, but the color of the
cheese is also a vital factor. The most exquisite Edams and Goudas
area dark, creamy yellow; the best are almost a creamy orange. In
fact, most knowledgeable cheese experts prefer that orange color.
This orange Gouda became the mainstay of the Dutch cheese industry.

As in America, the Netherlands has experienced an influx of
immigrants, and many come from Asia. Thought most Asian immigrants to
Holland come from Indonesia, the former Dutch colony, a large Chinese
contingent settled in Rotterdam and began producing cheese to take
advantage of the ideal cheese-producing conditions. The leading
Chinese cheese-making family was a family called Yung. The Yungs
produced fine Edam and Gouda, but they could never get their Goudas
to develop the rich dark orange hue of the finest Dutch goudas. This,
of course, hurt sales significantly.

Finally, the Yung family began adding artificial coloring to their
cheese to create the desired appearance. Now it has always been
against Dutch tradition, the cheese manufacturers’ art, and the
agricultural code of ethics to ever add artificial ingredients to
genuine cheese. Therefore, the traditional Dutch cheese producers
never did. In the Netherlands today, only the Yung dye Gouda.

???

DO ELEPHANTS REALLY REMEMBER EVERYTHING?

An elephant was drinking at a watering hole when a turtle approached.

The elephant looked at the turtle for a minute and then gave it a swift

kick. The turtle flew through the air and landed several hundred feet

away.

A zebra standing close by asked, “Why did you kick that turtle?”

“Well,” the elephant replied, “That turtle bit my foot 20 years ago.

That was payback.”

“How do you know it was the same turtle?”

The elephant looked at the zebra a minute and said, “I have turtle

recall.”

???

An Irish waiter named Kenny was noted for his wit and ready answers.
A party of gentlemen, who were staying at the hotel, heard of Kenny’s
wit, and one of them made a bet that he would say something Kenny
couldn’t answer at once. A bottle of champagne was ordered. The one
who had made the bet took hold of the bottle and commenced to open
it. The cork came out with a “bang” and flew in Kenny’s mouth. “Ah,”
he said, ‘that is not the way to Cork!” Kenny took the cork out of
his mouth and replied: “No; but it’s the way to Kil-Kenny.”

???

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

???

As a new, young MD I was doing my residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener”.

The buff young fellow in the tank top timidly ascended the steps and
stood in the entrance of her tattoo parlor. The jaw of the proprietress dropped at the sight of those fleshy virginal biceps as they rippled at the top of her blank stairs. “Don’t be shy, honey,” she cajoled him. “You look like you may needle little time to ink it over.”

Although she’d sworn never to let any man get under her skin, it was clear from the start that she had designs on this guy.

???

An Israeli recently arrives at London’s Heathrow airport. As he fills out a form, the customs officer asks him: “Occupation?”

The Israeli promptly replies: “No, just visiting!”

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