The Ten Best Stressed Puns of 2003

JANUARY 1 2004

Each year the International Save the Pun Foundation publishes the puns that have been voted on by its membership as the Ten Best Stressed Puns.

In the Pundit, the official newsletter of the ‘ISTPF’, which is issued monthly, there appear the puns that the members of the organization submit for entry into the world of word play. It is from these submissions that the Ten Best are chosen and sent around the world in this annual news release.

You may keep, photocopy, duplicate, imitate, adopt, mimic, send, forward, advance, deliver, or what ever it is you wish to do with these. Just so that all of you who have received this news release can share it with your friends relatives and any other pun lovers that you may wish to either cheer up or jeer up, your choice.

The copy right for these just never seemed write.

So sit back, put your puns on and enjoy the 10 Best Stressed Puns of 2003.

Did you hear about the veterinarian who was barred from performing
any surgery because he suffered from bouts of epilepsy? The cops
busted him for attempting to operate on a sick predatory bird but the
case was thrown out on a technicality. It was an ill eagle surgeon

The differences in currency are aptly displayed.
I wanted to stop for breakfast in Iraq but I couldn’t find a dinar.
I couldn’t buy breakfast in the UK because my wallet was impounded.
I couldn’t get breakfast in Rome because I’m not enough of a lira.
I tried for a free breakfast in Berlin, but my marks weren’t good enough.
I tried for breakfast sausage in Zurich, but all I could get was a franc.
I’m sure Stan will forward these to his Swedish website (Kroners).
I had a yen for a Tokyo breakfast but I needed about 800 more.

Words are just lucky letters. How do letters get lucky? They go to bars. Let’s listen,
A consonant goes into a bar and sits down next to a vowel.
“Hi!” he says, “Have you ever been here before?”
“Of cursive,” she replies, “I come here, like, all the time”
He can tell from her accent (which is kind acute) that she is a Vowelly Girl. He looks her over. She’s short and has a nice assonance.
She sure is a cipher sore I’s, thinks this consonantal dude. He remains stationery, enveloped by her charm. “And what an uppercase!” His initial reaction is so pronounced, he doesn’t know what to say. He is, at present, tense. Admiring her figure of speech, he falls into a fantasy.
He pictures a perfect wedding: They exchange wedding vowels.
The minister says, “I now pronouns you man and wife.”
They kiss each other on the ellipsis. “I love you, noun forever,” he whispers. The conjugation is in tiers. In a word, they are wed.
He awakens from his daydream and proposes a dance, but she declines.
Ferment there, she looks like she’s going to bee [sic].
“Gee, are you okay?” he asks her.

“I’m, like, under a lot of stress … I’ve got a yeast inflection.”
“I knew something was brewing.”
He calls the bartender. “Listen, bud, my beer is warm.”
The bartender takes the bottle and empties it in the sink.
The dude watches as his hops go down the drain.
“Let’s go outside,” he says to her. “I’d like to have a word with you.”
“Are you prepositioning me?”
“I won’t be indirect. You are the object of my preposition.”
“Oh my God, you’re, like, such a boldfaced character!”
“I see your point. But I’m font of you. C’mon let’s go.”
“Do I have to spell it out? You’re not my type, so get off my case.
Reluctantly, he decides to letter B. “Now my evening lies in runes,” he laments. He leaves, hoping to have letter luck next time.

The groom gave his permission to the bride. Her overreaction led to motherhood.

Every night I dream that I am writing The Lord of the Rings but I realize that I am only Tolkien my sleep.

His back was really hurting him. He took the pain killers his doctor prescribed for back discomfort to give him back disc comfort.

A Stock Market Report as seen in 2003

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?

Daffynition: Pizza – What Peter is, as in “Pizza great football player.”

And to end, we ask, “Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

If you would like to share your puns with us or become a member of this august group of paranamours, please visit our website at or email us at

?and always remember “A day without puns is like a day without sunshine; there is gloom for improvement.”

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