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The Ten Best Stressed Puns of 2001

Category: News, Puns

The International Save the Pun Foundation Press and release

To be communicated on January I’t 2002. For more information email us atpunpunpun @ rogers.com or visit us at www.punpunpun.com on the Internet.

We continue our work to overcome ill literacy. We are delighted by the growing worldwide support for the efforts made by the members of The International Save the Pun Foundation, the world’s largest and fastest growing apocryphal society, to increase the interest in reading by spreading the pleasure of wordplay through its monthly newsletter, “The Pundit”. The members of the ISTPF chose these, the 10 best?stressed puns for 2001. One member replied, when asked for her choices for the top 10, replied, “It’s like asking me to pick a favorite child.” So, here they are. Not necessarily in order of best to last but by number 1 to number 10. (Keep in mind that there are three kinds of people, those that can count, and those that can’t.)

Why shouldn’t we tax people on the basis of how much money they have? I’ve often heard that the basis are loaded.

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We have all become accustomed to the conveniences of a modern bank. While there have been moneylenders throughout the ages, full service banks are a relatively new phenomenon. Molan Cache is usually considered the man who developed modern banking, as we know it today. He enlisted the aid of Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial advisor of King Charles H. The two were able to convince the Bohemian monarch to finance this new experiment in banking. So really, … credit should go to a Czech king, a count and Cache.

In an election year many politicians engage in acts of outrageous promise?cuity.

Ever wonder why Academy Award winner Julia Roberts’s movie isn’t called “Erin Wonderbrockovitch?” and since it opened on St. Patrick’s Day they could have called it “Erin Gobraughkovitch?”

When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia will close the convent of St. Elias. However, that isn’t likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun.

In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.

The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of

Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek

legal system, and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple.

Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed ?? either because he

was barely literate or couldn’t read them, or because they provided evidence of

democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all

powerful tyrant.

When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was

a built, a church leader ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another

ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over

the old Hun base. And that’s how it ends:

NO HUNS, NO WRITS, NO EROS, AND NUN LEFT ON BASE.

The cost of feathers has risen… Now even down is up!

@@(D

Bigamist: A man who loves not wisely but two well.

A quicker and more accurate anthrax test has been developed at the Mail Clinic. Researchers there have really been pushing the envelope night and day and just about have the problem licked. In a recent public address, the head of the National Security Cancel said he would stick to his post until the problem is stamped out. To be frank, I think it they’ll soon route out the problem.

0@0

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN:

The Yoko club? Oh no.

The German philosophy club? 1. Kant.

Categorized in the sense of well being, and counted as one: Madame, cure these diseases:

Pullman area trombonesis ? Heart trouble suffered by jazz musicians riding on a train with sleeper cars.

My old car deal infarction ? Suffered by used automobile salesmen when they undervalue a trade?in.

Ex?ma ? Skin inflammation brought on by visits from your former mother?in?law.

Authorwritis ? writer’s cramp

Asian flew ? affects pilots for JAL

Dire rear ? truck driver’s most common complaint?piles.

Pullman airy edema ? afflicts sleeping car porters.

New moon ya ? a lung disease suffered only by members of two groups: Sigmund Romberg fans and nudists.

The stock market has gotten so bad that you can actually hear the Dow Jones, Standard & Poor and the NASDAQ crying. They are calling this phenomenon the “Three Market Tears”.

@@(D

Sign on the pet shop window. ? “Every customer receives a free legless parakeet ? No perches necessary”

@@(D

ANAGRAM: Eleven plus two ? Twelve plus one.

This was leftover from Passover: I have a secret way to leaven bread but you have to promise not to show anyone; it is “for your rise only”. First you get ten breads. Then you get one more, and now you have eleven breads.

PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) ? Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife?torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch

The Peter Pan club? Never. Never.

The quarterback club? I’ll pass.

The compulsive rhymers club? Okey?dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club? Si.

The pregnancy club? That’s conceivable.

The Self?Esteem Builders club? They probably won’t accept me.

The Agoraphobics Society? Only if they meet at my house.

(ZD(D~

Hotel: a place where you trade dollars for quarters.

(D&D

If my wife carries out her threat and slays me after one more pun will it be

jestifyable homicide?

Q@@

“As we continue to combat aliteracy with humour,” comments Norman Gilbert, Chairman of the Bored, “we hope that more people will join the Foundation by applying for membership to The International Save the Pun Foundation P.O. Box 5040, Station “A” Toronto Ontario, Canada M5W IN4.”

Remember our motto; A day without tpuns is like a day without sunshine; there’s gloom for improvement.

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