Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


The Ten Best Stressed Puns of 2000

Category: News, Puns

The International Save the Pun Foundation Communique

To be released on January 1st 2001. For more information email us atngilbert@punpunpun.com or visit us at http://www.punpunpun.com/ on the Internet.

As we continue our work to overcome ill literacy, we are delighted by the growing worldwide support for the efforts of the International Save the Pun Foundation, the world’s largest and fastest growing apocryphal society,

to increase the interest in reading by spreading the pleasure of wordplay through its monthly newsletter, “The Pundit”.

One of the stories chosen from the pages of the Pundit for the International Save the Pun Foundation’s Ten Best Stressed Puns of the Year list was about a little girl, who asked her mother,

“Can I go outside and play with the boys?”

Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough!”

“If I find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

A man charged into a doctor’s office. He ran past the receptionist and shouted excitedly, “Doctor, I think I’m shrinking!”

“Calm down,” said the physician. “You’ll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

Sign on the gate of a cemetery: INTER HERE.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class. “In English a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back piped up, “YEAH, RIGHT!”

2000 saw many companies’ mergers. Here are a few that graced the pages of the Pundit:  Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company got together to form, HALE MARY FULLER GRACE.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become POLLY-WARNER-CRACKER.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGOOD.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price become DEERE ABI.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
merge to become ZIP AUDI DO DA.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become

HONEY I’M HOME.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing Reproductive Organs.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and
become THE 3 PENNEY OPERA.

A Doberman, a Bulldog and the Taco Bell Chihuahua where sitting in a bar. In sweeps a beautiful female Collie who cooed, “Whoever can use the words liver and cheese in the same sentence can have me.”

“I love liver and cheese,” barked the Doberman.

“I hate liver and cheese,” growled the Bulldog.

“Liver alone cheese mine,” won the Chihuahua.

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars,”
“What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, “What
the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity
to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”

The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

“Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

Sign In a pet shop window,

“Every customer receives a free legless parakeet. No perches necessary.”

“Bartender, got any specials today?”

Yes, we have Pabst Blue Ribbon mixed with Smirnoff Vodka.”

“What the heck is that?”

“We call it a PABST SMIR!”

I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah,
they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn’t concentrate. You know, same
old boring rind over and over again. Then I became a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.  I worked in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted. As a barber, I just couldn’t cut it. I started cooking then, and became a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ran out of thyme.

As a musician, I just wasn’t noteworthy, and I didn’t have the patients to be a doctor.

A penal colony was buried in a glacial avalanche a hundred years ago. They’ve only just now excavated it and it’s believed that with modern techniques some of the inmates may be successfully defrosted and brought to life. Technically, all of these hardened criminals would have served out their sentences by now and would be free to rejoin society. There has been some debate as to whether this is a good idea.

(As you may imagine, there are many frozen cons being presented but nothing can be done until the idea is fully thawed out.)

The two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans
are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.
However, they disagreed on the details. The republican candidate, George
W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and
on television.  Vice President Al Gore, his democratic opponent, stated
meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal
nudity. In other words, Bush says there is too much Gore and Gore says
there is too much Bush.

“As we continue to combat illiteracy with humour,” comments Norman Gilbert, Chairman of the Bored, “we hope that more people will join the Foundation by sending for membership to

The International Save the Pun Foundation

P.O. Box 5040,

Station “A”

Toronto Ontario, Canada

M5W 1N4.”

Remember our motto; A day without puns is like a day without sunshine; there’s gloom for improvement.

« Previous post
Next post »

Leave a Reply