Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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The Ten Best Stressed Puns of 1998

Category: News, Puns

It is the eighteenth time that we announce the 10 Best Stressed Puns of the year.

Norman Gilbert, Chairman of the Bored II tells us that these puns have received the most votes by the members of the Foundation, the pun devotees (should that be devotors?) and will therefore take their place in the annals of pun history.

Is the George Washington Bridge a car-mangled spanner?

***

Orson Wells portrayed a spy, in the motion picture The Third Man. During World War II, the spy was a British agent known by the code name, Harry Lime. Harry was very near-sighted and wore thick glasses. His assignment behind enemy lines, disguised, as a German Officer would have been impossible, except that the Americans had invented a new form of lens for the myopic. These contact lenses were undergoing clinical trials at the Walter Reed Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland. Arrangements were made to transport Harry secretly to Bethesda by submarine to be fitted by the lens crafters. Harry, among other things, had had several dalliances, and it was known that he had an old flame in nearby Washington. The authorities were afraid that Harry would use this opportunity in America to take an unauthorized vacation. They decided that they must make his instructions very explicit. Therefore, just before leaving for the ship, he was called to the control office where he was given this direct order!

“YOU ARE TO GO DIRECTLY FROM THE SUB, LIME, TO THE REED OCULIST.”

***

The apparel industry tells us that most customers are overweight buyin’ large.

***

The police were looking for ‘Joseph’. He had robbed a bank in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the offspring of a defrocked Spanish lady of the cloth and a German father. He was an accomplished flautist, and he had been known to herd cows on occasion. The wanted poster described him as a

“HAIFA-LOOTIN’, FLUTIN’ TEUTON, SON-OF-A-NUN FROM BARCELONA, PART-TIME PLOWBOY JOE.”

***

Overheard this past year in the Capitol.

“I can’t believe he did it right in the Oval office.”

“First, he doesn’t consider the shape to be an oval, second, he doesn’t think it was a sexual relationship, and finally it’s only an oval office if you do it there with a small-breasted female undercover agent.”

“What?”

“Don’t you see? It’s never oval ’til the flat lady stings.”

***

Dancing cheek to cheek is really a form of floor play.

***

From the Academy Award winning movie, Titanic, comes this menu. It was the dinner on that fatal day in April 1912.

Iceberg lettuce

Leeks

Sanka coffee (drip-brewed)

Watercress

(D) Round steak.

“A toast”, shouted the Captain, “Bottoms up!”

***

Aisle, Altar, Hymn the bride thought as she entered the church.

***

Marriages evolve this way;

He goes to adore.

He rings the belle.

He gives his name to a maid.

And then he’s taken in.

***

Found on the tombstone of Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

And that is Strange.

***

The banner that graces the pages of the Pundit and the Web site reads,

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine; there’s gloom for improvement.

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiratiAon of its members.

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