Puns voted by the members of the International Save the Pun Foundation to be the ten best stressed puns posted in the Pundit’s pages in 1994.
Maurie Cook of the TV show Sugar and Spice signs off this way: “Well, it looks like my thyme’s up. I’d like to thank Basil my producer, Rosemary my technical adviser and Ginger my director. Tune in turmeric for another kitchen caper. Dill we meet again, have a spice day.”
Attorney Balderson and Wanda Divorce are discussing the dissolution of the latter’s marriage.
“Now, what are your grounds?” asks Balderson.
“Oh, we have some, two acres on the edge of town,” Wanda replies.
“No, no. Do you have a grudge?”
“Yes, it fits two cars and is attached.”
“I have to allege some wrongful act. Does your husband beat you up?”
“Oh, no, sir. I’m out of bed every morning before he is.”
“Wanda, why do you want a divorce?”
“Well, you see, we have this communicating problem.”
Wanda eventually got the divorce on grounds of incompatibility. Her husband lost his income and she lost her patability.
Gary, the kayak paddler of the Iceland Olympic Team, was training in the Arctic. His feet became so cold that to warm them he built a fire in the bow of the boat. The kayak burned and sank. Gary now knows that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too. In related news, Bill took Kate as his wife while still married to Edith. Sentencing him for bigamy, the judge declared, “You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.”
“What a lovely bunch of cows,” said the city girl.
“Herd of cows, young lady,” the farmer corrected.
“Of course I’ve heard of cows!”
“I mean cow herd.”
“I am not afraid.”
Dieting: the punishment you get for exceeding the feed limit. Fat: the phase that launched a thousand hips.