The Ten Best Stressed Puns of 1993

Puns voted by the members of the International Save the Pun Foundation to be the ten best stressed puns posted in the Pundit’s pages in 1993.

All but lost in the holiday was the story of a Chicago art dealer who was transporting some valuable paintings to customers when his truck shot off the Michigan Avenue bridge and fell into the Chicago river.

Questioned later by the police, the dealer observed philosophically, “I hated Toulouse-Lautrec, but that’s the way the Van Goghs”.

Many people assume that Earl Grey tea got its name by being a favorite of that English earl. In truth, the name originated in a small town in Wales named Earl Grey, where the citizens were getting concerned about the ability of their mayor to continue in office. She was first elected in 1972, and she had run unopposed in every election since. When her age began to hinder her from getting about, her constituents observed, “The Earl Grey mayor, she ain’t what she used to be.”

After a southern gentleman moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a commuter train asked how he liked it in the country. “It was difficult at first,” the man replied, “but it’s a lot better since I got myself a paramour.”

The passenger was astonished. “A paramour?” he said. “Does your wife know?”

“Sure,” said the southerner “She doesn’t care how I cut the grass.”

When a young woman driving along the highway attempted to light a cigarette, her sleeve caught fire. She was able to stop the car and get out, but in her panic she just stood there flailing her arm helplessly. A state patrol officer saw her, stopped, and gave her a ticket.

“What’s this for?” the injured woman cried as she blew out the flames.

“Brandishing a firearm,” the officer explained.

A herring that for many years swam along with a friendly whale appeared one day without its companion. Asked where the whale was, the herring replied: “How would I know? Am I my blubber’s kipper?”

Two men who had been shipwrecked for weeks were now starving. One finally said, “Let’s go over to the bacon tree and get some bacon.”

The second replied, “Are you an idiot? It’s obviously a trap!”

The first man, wincing, strode off toward the tree to prove his friend wrong. But he soon came back, his body covered with arrows. “You were right,” he panted. “That was a ham bush.”

A woman in London was walking in the park with her house guest, a member of a Roman Catholic religious order, when one of the city’s many pigeons dropped its calling card on the visitor while flying overhead. “Oh, I’m terribly sorry!” the embarrassed Londoner said to her guest.

“Not to worry,” the good-humored sister replied as she dabbed with her handkerchief at the dropping on her habit. “It’s quite obvious that that pigeon was on a nun-stop flight.”

There once was a man who first cam to the United States smuggled ashore in a basked of soiled linen, from which he escaped only after the linen had been washed. This, of course, made him the first laundered immigrant.

A man who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping the time with the rest of the band. Finally the captain said, “Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard. It’s up to you: Sync or swim!”

A manufacturer of factory whistles wanted to sell his product to quarries that had no adequate way of advising workers to start or stop work. But when the manufacturer test-marked some special touting whistles at the quarry, the shrill sound caused a great rock slide. It then tested the whistle at other quarries, but got the same results, thus proving that there are soot sides to every quarry.

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