Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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The Talking Dog

Category: Adult Theme, Shaggy Dogs

This is a many times told old classic. I have heard it repeated about Aggies, folks from New Mexico, and Basques. The original author is lost in antiquity and it’s probably not too cold where he is now. Howell Gwin tells me that various European ethnicities tell it about each other.


A Kiwi* ventriloquist approached an Australian and said to him, “Is that your dog?”

The Australian replied, “Yup.”

“Mind if I talk to him?” asked the Kiwi.

“You typical, stupid Kiwi fool, don’t you know dogs don’t talk?” said the Aussie.

The Kiwi replied, “So what’s the harm? May I?”

“Go right ahead,” said the Aussie.

The Kiwi said to the dog, “Howdy!”

The dog replied, “Hello.”

The Australian’s eyes pop wide.

The Kiwi continued, “Is this your master?” ”

Yep, he sure is,” replied the dog.

“Does he treat you alright?” asked the Kiwi.

“Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play.”

“Sounds good.”

The Australian was dumbfounded.

The Kiwi said to the Australian, “Is that your horse over there?”

“Yes.” replied the Aussie.

“Do you mind if I talk to him?” Asked the Kiwi.

The Australian replied, “I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses can’t talk.”

“Well, then what would it hurt?” said the Kiwi.

“Go right ahead.” said the Aussie.

The Kiwi said to the horse, “Hello, Horsie.”

The Horse replied, “Hello.”

The Australian stood there with his jaw wide open.

The Kiwi asked, “Is that your owner?”

“Yup, sure is,” answered the horse.

“He treat you okay?” asked the Kiwi.

“Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements,” replied the horse.

“Sounds good.”

The Kiwi then asked the Australian, “Are those your sheep over there?”

The Australian is horrified and stammers, “No, you don’t want to talk to them. The sheep are a bloody bunch of liars!”


*Down Under slang for a New Zealander.


Lowrie Beacham came back with this old verse:

What’s your dad do, feller?
He’s a sheepherder.
Oh, where’s he from?
Monta-a-a-ana.

I first heard the above version when certain Sooner fans were discussing a former football coach of the University of Oklahoma, saying, “He’s my da-a-a-dy!”

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