Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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The Seven Dwarfs of MENOPAUSE

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Rated PG, Shaggy Puppy

From the groaners listserv.


Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All-Dried-Up.

One by one they crept into my own private cottage in the woods and
started to take over my life.

The first to arrive was Itchy.

I developed this itch on my right calf that was so irritating, I
wanted to scratch the skin right off my body.

Then Bitchy came to my door.

No longer was my menopause contained to one or two days a month– it
felt like constant menopause.

Then I would swing from Bitchy to Weepy for God’s sake, what was wrong
with me?

Ding-dong…… It’s the middle of the night and Sweaty has crawled
into bed with me.

Oh, yes, Sweaty brought embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to
night sweats where it seemed as if a faucet had been attached between
my breasts.

Of course Sweaty brought about Sleepy, because I was tired all the time.

I would wake up so many times in the night and not be able to get back
to sleep.

Bloated crept in slowly, my once-svelte figure got thick through the
middle section, even though I was following my weight-loss program
that had worked so well for so many years!

I can’t quite remember when Forgetful arrived, but one day my brain
stopped working.

I considered myself a pretty focused woman until Forgetful came, and I
could not keep a coherent thought in my brain. Am I getting
Alzheimer’s? I wondered.

Last, All-Dried-Up slowly encroached upon my happy marriage. This was
probably the most unpleasant of the dwarf family. Sex was no longer on
the top of my list… or on my list at all.

My husband would give me that knowing look, and I would think,
“Frankly, I’d rather have a smoothie.”

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