The Red Balloon

Heather Simpson [] sent this to us saying, “This joke has been told by my dad since I was a kid. I’m not sure where he got it, but I’ve never heard anybody else tell it.”

Miss Lena was a middle-aged widow with an eight year old little boy. They lived way out in the country on a farm in Mississippi. Miss Lena had tried and tried for weeks to use the bathroom, but it was all for naught. She hadn’t been able to take a dump in six weeks. Finally, she decided to call the Doctor. “Doctor May, I’m havin’ a real bad go with constipation. In fact, I haven’t been able to go for six weeks.” She could hear the giggles on the party line.

“Well, Miss Lena, come right down and we’ll fix you up.”

So, Miss Lena took her little boy, and in the late afternoon they finally got to the Doctor’s Office. After a thorough and invasive examination, Doctor May said “Yep, you’ve got a severe case of constipation. Now here’s what I want you to do. This here’s a prescription for a very strong laxative, I want you to take it as soon as they give it to you at the drug store. By the time you get home you should need to go. Now Miss Lena, since it’s been so long I want you to be sure to examine your stool and give me a call if there’s anything unusual about it.”

“Okay Doctor, I sure hope it works.” She and her little boy walked on to the drug store. The little boy ran back and forth down each aisle, as little boys that age will do. Miss Lena didn’t have the energy to correct him. He saw a bag of balloons and ran asking,,”Momma,Momma can I get this bag of balloons?!” Miss Lena sat lookin’ pitiful in the chair, and she shook her head no. He did not like this at all so he decided he’d just take one, as little boys that age will do. He pocketed a nice red one and continued his scamperin’ about. Finally,the prescription was ready and Miss Lena took her pills at the water fountain.

Now it was gettin’ on towards dusk and it was a beautiful June night. The lightin’ bugs was out in full force. The little boy ran to catch one. He shook it up and looked at it in his hand as it blinked on and off, on and off. Miss Lena was gettin’ anxious to get on home. “Come on!” she yelled as she ran on up ahead. The little boy shoved the bug inside his balloon and stuck it back in his pocket.

When they got home the little boy was dying to play with his balloon so he blew it up and went in the bathroom to play with it. He closed the door and began thumping the balloon around watching the lightin’ bug blink on and off and on and off. Suddenly Miss Lena started poundin’ on the door.

“Get out of there!” she yelled. The little boy, thinking quickly, stuffed the balloon in the toilet. Miss Lena barely had time to lift her skirt when she found relief. Oh, it was wonderful, and she could feel the toxins leavin’ her body. Right before she flushed she remembered what the Doctor had said. When she examined her stool she almost fainted. Amidst all the other material was a large red round thing and it was blinking on and off. Miss Lena went quickly to the phone and called Doctor May. “Doctor May!” she exclaimed “I think I’ve passed a vital organ!”

“Now, Miss Lena, you cannot pass a vital organ.”

“I must have,” she said, “there’s a large red thing in the toilet and it’s blinking on and off.”

“Miss Lena, none of your vital organs blink on and off. I’ll come take a look. Calm down and I’ll be there shortly. Don’t flush it.”

“Okay, Doctor, whatever you say.” When Doctor May got there, Miss Lena was still in shock. She motioned him towards the bathroom and followed him in there.

“Well, Miss Lena, I declare I’ve never seen thing anything like it. I’m going to have to take a sample back to the lab.” He opened up his black bag and got out a scalpel and a petri dish. As he touched the scalpel to the specimen, the balloon popped and crap flew everywhere. It covered the walls. Miss Lena’s apron was covered.

She gasped, “Oh my god, Doctor, what was it?!”

As he wiped the mess from his glasses, he stated, “Miss Lena, I’ll tell you what I think, but if you ever tell another living soul, I’ll deny it.”

“Oh, I won’t.” she declared.

“Miss Lena, I think we have just seen a fart.”

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