Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


The Politically Correct Thesaurus

Category: Politically Incorrect, Rated PG-13

Politically Correct Terms For Females

* She does not get PMS; She becomes HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

* she does not have a killer body; She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

* she is not a bad cook; She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

* she is not a bad driver; She is AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

* she is not a perfect 10; She is NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

* she is not easy; She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

* she does not hate sports on TV; She is ATHLETICALLY BIASED

* she does not have sexy lips; She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

* she does not get drunk; She is ACCIDENTALLY OVER SERVED

* You do not ask her to dance; You request a PRECOITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

* she is not a gossip; She is a VERBAL TERMINATOR

* she does not work out too much; She is an ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

* she does not have a great butt; She has GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

* she is not hooked on soap operas; She is MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

* she is not cold or frigid; She is THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

* she does not wear too much makeup; She is COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

* she does not have a great rack; Her breasts are CENTRALLY LOCATED

* she will never gain weight she will become a metabolic underachiever

* She is not a screamer or moaner; She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

* She does not shave her legs; She experiences TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

* She does not have a hard body; She is ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

* She does not sun bathe; she experiences SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

* Her breasts will never sag; they will LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

* She does not shop too much; She is OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

* She does not cut you off; She becomes HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

* She does not have big hair; she is OVERLY AEROSOLED

* She does not snore; She is NASALLY REPETITIVE

* She does not get drunk; She becomes VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

* She does not have big hooters; Her cups RUNNETH OVER

* She is not too skinny; She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT


Politically Correct Terms For Males

* He does not have a beer gut; He develops a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

* He is not quiet; He is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

* He does not have a fabulous rear end; He has achieved BUTTOCKS PERFECTION.

* He is not stupid; He suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

* He does not get lost all the time; He discovers ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

* He is not balding; He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

* You do not buy him a drink; You initiate an ALCOHOL-FOR-CONVERSATION EXCHANGE.

* He does not fart and belch; He is GASTRONOMICALLY EXPRESSIVE.

* His jeans are not too tight; He is ANATOMICALLY UNDERCIRCULATED.

* He is not a redneck; He is a GENETICALLY-RELATED AMERICAN.

* You do not kiss him; you become FACIALLY CONJOINED.

* He is not a cradle robber; He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

* He does not get falling-down drunk; He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

* He does not act like a total ass; He develops A CASE OF RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

* He is not short; He is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

* He does not have a rich daddy; He is a RECIPIENT OF PARENTAL ASSET INFUSION.

* He does not constantly talk about cars; He has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

* He does not have a hot body; He is PHYSICALLY COMBUSTIBLE.

* He is not unsophisticated; He is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

* He does not eat like a pig; He suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

* He does not hog the blankets; He is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

* He is not a sex machine; he is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

* He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

* You do not undress him with your eyes; You have AN INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.

* He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.


Politically Correct Terms for Children

• Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s PASSAGE-RESTRICTIVE.

• Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit SOCIAL SPEED BUMPS.

* You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from REBELLIOUS FOLLICLE SYNDROME.

* No one’s tall anymore. They’re VERTICALLY ENHANCED.

* You’re not shy. You’re CONVERSATIONALLY SELECTIVE.

* You don’t talk a lot. You’re just ABUNDANTLY VERBAL.

* It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s TRANSMISSION OF NEAR-FACTUAL INFORMATION.

* The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s DIGESTIVELY CHALLENGED.

* Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an OUT-OF-NOTEBOOK EXPERIENCE.

* You’re not sleeping in class; you’re RATIONING CONSCIOUSNESS.

* You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have ODOR-RETENTIVE ATHLETIC FOOTWEAR.

* You weren’t passing notes in class. You were PARTICIPATING IN THE DISCREET EXCHANGE OF PENNED MEDITATIONS.

•You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re GOING ON A MANDATORY FIELD TRIP TO THE ADMINISTRATIVE BUILDING.

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