The Night Before Christmas Parodies XXVII (A Maxine Christmas Story)

We continue this collection of seasonal variations and parodies.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the house…
Not a creature was stirring Since the cat ate the mouse.
My support hose were hung By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas And just left them there.)

My dog, Floyd, was nestled All snug in his bed,
After watching the cat rip The presents to shreds.
And I in my long johns And ratty night cap
Had just settled my butt For a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn There arose such a clatter,
I swore at the window, “What the (blank) is the matter?”
I tore open the window, Not a second to tarry,
All ready to throw The noisemaker a berry.

A bright moon was lighting The new-fallen snow…
And I had a moon of my own Set to show.
Floyd was beside me, Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer Hitched up to a sleigh…

And a little old driver So cheery and quick,
I thought for a moment That I would be sick.
Like a bat out of…you know, His reindeer they came,
And I whistled and shouted And called them some names–

“Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface! Hey, Weiner and Turkey!
Yo, Klutzy and Mangy And Venison Jerky!
Stay off of my porch! Get away from my wall!
Now hit the road, hit the road, Hit the road, all!”

But as pedestrians before My old Buick , they fly
And head for high ground With great fear in their eyes,
So up to my rooftop The fleabags they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys And old Fruitcake – Breath too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
Holes in my new shingles Made by each tiny hoof.
As I reached for my slingshot And a marble as well,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas Tumbled and fell.

He had a huge sack of Cheap junk on his back
And I whispered to Floyd, “Be prepared to attack.”
His eyes they were squinting, His toy bag was draggin’,
And I felt for a moment Like I’d soon be gaggin’.

He was dressed all in red. With a bell on his hat.
And a belt of black leather To hold back the fat.
A billowing pipe He clenched tight in his smile,
And the smell was like something Had been dead for awhile.

He had a broad face And a little round belly
That shook when I nailed him With a handful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, Well, actually porky,
And I laughed when I tripped him (He looked pretty dorky).

He was like a beached whale Unable to budge.
And he tasted good , too, If the dog was a judge.
I spoke not a word But went straight to my work–
A noogie, a wedgie, A cry of “You jerk!”

Until laying a finger Aside of his nose,
With a loud cry of “Uncle!” Up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to the sleigh And dragged in the toys,
Then he cried to the reindeer, “Get me out of here, Boys!”

And I had to exclaim As a slushball I tossed,
“Happy Christmas to all, And to all a Get Lost!”
But then, as I turned, I saw ‘neath the tree
Two gaily wrapped presents– One for Floyd, one for me.

A big bag of jerky Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
While for me was a pair Of brand-new bunny slippers.
I looked out the window, And hovering there,
Old Santa was winking From his sleigh in midair…

“Merry Christmas, Maxine!” He cried, full of cheer.
“Same to you, Pal!” I answered, “I’ll get you next year!”

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