Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


The Night Before Christmas Parodies XXIII (Party On, Dude, Style)

Category: Poetry, Politically Incorrect

We continue this collection of seasonal variations and parodies.


‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all I could hear
Was my party guests screaming, “We’ve run out of beer!”
I laughed for a moment, said, “They’re pulling my leg”
For I had just tapped a half-barrel keg.

“No, Really, we’re out!” someone shrieked out of fright
And the crowd grew more restless; surely thereÕd be a fight.
“Now relax,” I said calmly “I’ve got plenty more brew”
“I’ve got Coors in the pantry, and Schlitz in the loo.”

But my pantry was bare, and my fridge was empty, too
Gone, too was the Six-Pack I kept in the loo.
My pulse quickly rose and my heart sank with fear
For what kind of people could drink that much beer?

I looked at my guests; some invited, some not
And I smelled the unmistakable sweet smell of pot.
Then I saw two girls giggle with glassy-eyed grins
There was no mistaking: It was the Bush Twins.

They had drunk all my beer, and smoked all my stash.
Now I was lamenting my Christmas Eve bash.
The girls were shot-gunning the last can of Bud
When up on the roof I heard a great THUD!

Then down from the chimney came a jolly fat dude
He said: “Ran out of beer? Aw, man that’s just rude.
“Lucky for you, you’ve been a good boy
“So I will provide you with great Christmas joy.”

And out of his sack he proceeded to bring
Cases of beer (oh it made my heart sing).
More Bud and more Coors, even Michelob light
More Killian’s and Beck’s; what a wonderful sight!

My guests started cheering, the Bush girls did flips.
Even the secret service was whetting their lips.
The Kennedy’s came by; John Daly did, too.
The spirit of Christmas was sure coming through.

I looked out my window and spotted St. Nick
Chugging a pitcher, and chugging it quick!
And I heard him exclaim as he flew fast away,
“Drink, but don’t drive” as he crashed his new sleigh.

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