Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


The Night Before Christmas Parodies X (CHANUKAH)

Category: Poetry, Rated G

We continue with Stan Kegel’s collection of these seasonal variations and parodies.


‘Twas the night before Chanukah and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching, Soch ah disgrace!
The Kinderlach, sleeping, uneasily felt
The chocolate rush from the Chanukah gelt

And me in the easyboy, so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic which held up my gatchkes.
When up on the roof (and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alte kakker was making a kvitsch.

I jumped up real quick and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet, or only a schnorrer?
He wasn’t alone; he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name as he gave a gebrach:

“On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham;
My kidneys are kvelling; do you give a damn?”

He had a white beard and payyes to boot,
And to keep out the cold, he had such a nice suit!
A second from Peerless, I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay, and so were the pants.

He was triple XL, a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out, “Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!”
He jumped down and said as he shook hands with me,
“Max Klaus is the name. You have maybe some tea?”

So I gave him a gleisel, while he shook his white mop,
Mutt’ring, “Always the same thing, They’re dreying my kopp!”
From Vancouver to Glacer Bay, Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world hakks meir a cheinik!

They’re screaming for presents, and challah with schmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone, the back pain, gevaltz!”
So we sat and yentehed, and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money, and one of my kanidels)

He said, “Business is not bad, a living I make,
But I’m getting too old for this Chanukah fake;
And the cell phones, you see how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I’d quit, and move to Palm Springs?”

And he gave a geshrei as he fled mit a lacht,
“Gut Yontiff to All, Vey is Mir, Such a Na.”
(Author Unknown)

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