The New Euro-English

From the groaners listserv.

With the onset of the Single European Currency and a generally more integrated Europe, it has been decided by the European Union Commission that a single European language should be adopted. With this in mind a poll was carried out suggesting that German or English would be the preferred single language.

The European Union Commissioners today announced that, after considered debate, an agreement has finally been reached to adopt a single language for the European Union. The preferred language for all European communications will now be English rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the final negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded to the German representatives that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year plan proposed by the German Government to phase in what will be known as Euro-English.

In the first year, the letter “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, Sivil Servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard “c” will be replaced with a “k”.

There will be growing publik enthusiasum in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replased by the “f”. This will make words like fotograf some twenty persent shorter.

In the third year publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to attain a stage where more komplicated improvements are possible.

By the forth yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing the “th” with a “z” and redusing the “w” by 50 persent to just “v”. Also ve kan remov unvantid spases zat are konsiderd a vaste.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vordskontaining “ou” and similar movesvood be aplid to ozerkombinations of leters.

Afterze fifz yer, vevilhav a reli sensibil ritenstyl. Ze drem of a truliakseptibil englislanguaj vil av finalikumtru.

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