Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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The Monastery

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs, Shaggydog listserv

This classic tale was posted by Randall Woodman on the shaggydog listserv. The author is not known.


Paul wanted to get away from it all, so he set off to explore the world. After having a fine time in Europe, and a couple of months in Spain, he ended up in the Amazon. He wandered around for a few weeks, and then decided to really explore it. He walked for miles and miles, eating fruit and any animals he could catch, and getting happily lost. He did have a slight run-in with a crocodile, but he managed to escape, and carried on.

He found a stunningly beautiful area and set up home there for a while, building a nice home out of wood, and learning skills that he never deemed he would. After living in his home for three months, he was beginning to feel lonely, so he headed off again.

This time he made progress, following the river along, and moving quickly to find some companionship. He ate well, catching fish, but the fish were no good at conversation, so he soon got desperately bored.

After a couple of weeks, he saw a large building. He went an knocked on the door, and a monk opened it. “Hello” said the monk (Monks are known for being friendly, and saying ‘hello’)

“Hello,” said Paul, “I’m Paul”

“Do come in Paul, our Monastery is your Monastery, any thing you want, just ask, but we are about to have dinner, won’t you join us?”

“I’d love to” said Paul.

Dinner was a feast the likes of which Paul had never seen. The wine was beautiful, and Paul hadn’t had any alcohol for many months, and he ate like a pig. After dinner, with all the alcohol flowing through his blood stream, Paul needed some sleep. The monk showed him to his room, and Paul slept like a baby.

The next morning, Paul awoke feeling like a new man. He couldn’t find one, so he settled for a monk(!)

The Monk said “If you want anything at all, please just ask”.

“OK, I will have a think about that” said Paul

“Really,” said the monk, “It would be a pleasure for us to supply you with anything that your heart desires”.

Paul spent the next few days enjoying the food and wine, and going with the Monks to pray, and then, having had plenty of time to think about it, he had a quiet word with the Monk.

“Can you really supply me with anything I desire?” asked Paul.

“Anything at all, you name it, and we will get it for you.”

“OK, if you are sure,” Said Paul, “I would love a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, seven candles, a sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies*, and a goat”

“Let me get this right,” said the Monk, “You want a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, seven candles, a sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat?”

“Please,” said Paul, “And a white sheep, not a black one, if that is OK?” “A white sheep? OK, No problem, but it might take a little time”

The next eight days went by with good food, good wine, good prayers, and no sheep, etc. On the ninth day, the Monk went up to Paul, and said “Well, it was hard work, but we have got you a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, seven candles, a white sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat, they are all in your room.”

“That is great,” said Paul, “I will go and check them all now.”

An hour later, he found the monk, and said “I am sorry to trouble you, but the hairdryer doesn’t have a ‘cold- air’ option, is it possible to change it?”

“Of course it is” said the monk, who wandered off muttering something about ‘not being a bloody Argos store’.

The next day, Paul found a new hair-dryer outside his door, with a cold option. He was ecstatic. The Monks didn’t see much of Paul for the next few weeks, but they heard some very odd noises from his room.

After a month or so, Paul announced to the Monk that he really ought to think about heading home.

“OK, well thank you for visiting us.” Said the Monk.

“I shall miss you all, you have been so kind to me, treating me like a long lost son, feeding me, supplying everything that I desire, how can I ever repay you?” Paul asked the Monk.

“Well, there is one thing” said the Monk, “I would love to know why you wanted a hair-dryer (hot and cold air), a Macintosh, seven candles, a white sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat?”

“Oh, the hair-dryer (hot and cold air), a Macintosh, seven candles, a white sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat? well, can you keep a secret?”

“Yes, I can.” said the monk.

And he did.


*Wellington boots

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