The Donkey Racetrack

This was sent to us by Matthew Givens.

Animal races being a popular way of making money, Robert Jenkins decided to capitalize on the trend. He built a nice facility with a large track, concessions, betting windows, and a special area for reporters. The first year earnings were disappointing, though, because people were used to dog and horse races, so he decided to try something different.

The word went out that Jenkins’ track would be offering donkey racing. After a short burst of local attention, his business settled down at a depressingly low level. The main problem seemed to be the speed of the donkeys. People used to the lightening speed exhibited by greyhounds and thoroughbred horses tended to be dissatisfied with the lumbering beasts. The males, known as jackasses, ran just a bit faster than the females, known as jennies, so he decided to tackle the hardest problem first.

For the next six months he investigated various ways to speed up the slow-moving beasts. The females were fed vitamins and special diets, were prayed over by priests and rabbis, and were even subjected to psycho-analysis from a well-known animal psychiatrist. All to no avail.

Jenkins finally abandoned his plan to make the donkeys run faster, and focused instead on marketing. If he could just come up with an angle to grab people’s interest, he could finally begin to realize a profit.

Plan after plan failed, and he was faced with bankruptcy. In the depths of despair, he confided his problem to a pilot friend of his. After almost an hour of tearful confessions, his friend patted him on the knee. “Don’t worry, I know just what to do. All you have to do is follow my advice.”

So Jenkins mounted one last advertising campaign, centered around one last, big race. The airline sent out a dozen of their prettiest stewardesses, who stayed in the clubhouse area laughing and drinking with whomever cared to attend the event. Amazingly, it worked. News crews flooded the track, and thousands of people showed to place bets on the donkey races. The event went on until close to midnight, and Jenkins raked in several hundred thousand dollars.

When asked by news crews about the days events, he responded quite simply. “Never have stoned stews done so much for slow Jennies.”

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