This rude little tale has been around. This version was on the groaners listserv.
Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing. “I’ll give you a chance to redeem your sins”, said God “I’ll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can be reincarnated into any other living thing of your choice. So, what would you like to be?”
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, “OK, I want to become a living thing with wings and sucks blood, heh, heh, heh.”
“So be it”, said God and He turned Dracula into a vampire bat. So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when a farmer killed him. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a little bit sheepish (and a little batty).
“I’ll give you another chance”, said God. “I’ll send you back again. BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?”
Still adamant, Dracula said, “I still want to be a living thing with wings and sucks blood!”
God thought for a while and then said, “OK, if that’s what you want”, and turned Dracula into a mosquito.
So back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until one day, splat, he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid (and rather bugged).
“I’ll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. but this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a non-living thing of your choice. So what will it be?” asked God.
Still stubborn, Dracula said, “Okay… then turn me into a non-living thing with wings and sucks blood!! heh… heh..”
“No problem,” said God and He turned Dracula into a ‘Tampon’.