Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

The Craziest Language

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Poetry, Rated G

Stan Kegel posted this to the groaners listserv. It is a nice accompaniment for the previous offering “English is Tough Stuff”. Yes. It is.

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is goose, but two are called geese.
Yet the plural of moose, should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest of mice.
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot, and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose.

When we say brother, we say brethren.
But though we may say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis, and shim.

So, English I fancy you will agree
Is the craziest language that you ever did see.

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