The Annual Bulwer-Lytton writing contest is based upon the much stolen beginning line by Snoopy, “It was a dark and stormy night…” The contest is run each year by the Department of English at San Jose State University. The award is given to the worst lead-in to a wretched story. This tale is by Brian D. Smith.

In retrospect, it probably wasn’t the best idea to deliver a complimentary 825-pound vat of grits to the Song of the South Choir Festival, thought Alton Harley Scruggs III, owner of the Spartanburg, South Carolina based True Grits diner chain, especially after surveying the havoc that ensued when the balsa wood bargain he’d bought for $55.17 at Pat’s Discount Vats failed to contain its edible cargo, spewing it onto the stage like Prestone from a busted radiator; yet, happily, the contest went on anyway, and everyone ended up singing in hominy.