Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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The Best Stressed Puns of the Millennium

Category: News, Puns

The International Save the Pun Foundation has voted as

The Best Stressed Puns of the Millennium.

Sharpen your pun cells, O pun pals. Let’s get to wit:

“PUNS ARE THEIR OWN REWORDS!”

JJJ

How can I use a lighthouse, a rose trellis a windstorm and a dune  in a tasteful punecdote? The answer: “HOW ABOUT A BEACON LATTICE AND TORNADO SAND RIDGE?”

JJJ

A herring who for many years swam along with a friendly whale showed up one day without his companion. When asked where the whale was, the herring replied, “How would I know? AM I MY BLUBBER’S KIPPER?

JJJ

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank proving once and for all that

YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR KAYAK AND HEAT IT, TOO.

(Another way) The husband of Kate was called to court on a charge of bigamy. Kate told the judge that his other wife, Edith, was causing too much friction in their marriage. The court ruled that

HE COULD NOT HAVE HIS KATE AND EDITH TOO!

JJJ


“What’s black and white and red all over?”

A NEWSPAPER!

JJJ

The Buddhist refused his dentist’s Novocain
during root canal work?

HE WANTED TO TRANSCEND DENTAL MEDICATION.
JJJ
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other, who goes to a
family in Spain; is named “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his natural mom. Upon receiving it, she tells
her husband that she wishes that she had a picture of Amal. Her
husband responds,

“IF YOU’VE SEEN JUAN, YOU’VE SEEN AMAL.”
JJJ

A punster entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten

different puns, with the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, NO PUN IN TEN DID.

JJJ

Sign in a cocktail lounge:

I’D RATHER HAVE A FREE BOTTLE IN FRONT OF ME THAN A

PRE FRONTAL LOBOTOMY!

JJJ

Which is the most feared of the forest inhabitants?

A hawk claimed that, because he had the ability to fly, he could attack anything from above, and his prey wouldn’t have a prayer.

“Due to my strength, no one would challenge me!” said the lion, pride fully.

The skunk, incensed, said, “I need neither flight nor might to frighten off any creature!”

The trio were debating the issue, when a grizzly bear came along and swallowed all,

HAWK, LION, and STINKER.

JJJ

It is better to have loved a short person and  lost,

Than never to have loved A TALL.

JJJ

A quintet of dons were strolling through the college campus discussing collective nouns. A troop of kangaroos. A sloth of bears. A bale of turtles. Just then four ladies, graduates of the world’s oldest profession, passed them “How would you quantify a group like that?”  the dons juandered.

A JAM OF TARTS, said one Don.

A FLOURISH OF STRUMPETS, hooted the second.

AN ESSAY OF TROLLOPS authored the third.

A FROST OF HOARS said the fourth. Icily.

AN ANTHOLOGY OF PROSE, the dean of the dons rhymed.

“Surely you have overlooked the obvious,” one of the ladies shouted back.

A PRIDE OF LOINS.

In England they do not have a kidney bank, but they do have a LIVERPOOL.

JJJ

A handsome young fellow named Clyde

Fell into an outhouse and died.

His unfortunate brother

Fell into another.

And now they’re interred side by side.

JJJ

In knead of some dough

A thief got into my house

Intruder the window.

JJJ

A white lie is AVERSION OF THE TRUTH.

In France they cook their omelets with only one egg.

You see, in France one egg is UN OEUF.

JJJ

AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN

thought the bride as she entered the church

JJJ

An ode to marriage:

He goes to ADORE

He RINGS the BELLE

He gives his name to a MAID.

And HE’S TAKEN IN.

JJJ

“If ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’, what is the opposite of congress?”

JJJ

Worry causes falling hair.

When the going gets tough, the tufts get going.

JJJ

The attributes

Of bathing suits

For lasses of lithesome limb

Make me inquire

If this attire

Is worn to slink or swim.

JJJ

A bachelor is a cagey guy.

He has a load of fun.

He likes to check out all the chicks,

And never Mrs. one.

JJJ

Back in the 1930s, William Lyon Phelps of Yale found the following
sentence gleaming out of the pages of a freshman essay: “The girl tumbled
down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom. ” In the margin of the
paper, Professor Phelps, commented: “My dear sir, you must learn to
distinguish between a fallen woman, and one who has merely slipped.”

JJJ

One frog croaks to the other,

“TIME’S FUN WHEN YOU’RE HAVING FLIES!”
JJJ

.
Two ropes walk into an old western saloon. The first rope goes up
to the bar and asks for a beer.
“We don’t serve ropes in this saloon,” sneers the bartender, who
picks up the rope, whirls him around over his head, and tosses him out into the street.
“Oh, oh. I’d better disguise myself,” thinks the second rope. He ruffles up
his ends to make himself look bigger and twists himself into a circle. Then
he too sidles up to the bar.
“Hmmm.  Are you one of them ropes?” snarls the bartender.
“NO, I’M A FRAYED KNOT.”

JJJ

An old Texas rancher is drawing up his will so that he might
provide for his three boys when he passes away. He decides to divide his land up evenly among them. His wife suggests that he name the place The Focus Ranch. “Why should I do that, my love?”
“Because it is where THE SONS RAISE MEAT. ”

JJJ

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

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