Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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The Aggie Hunters

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Rated PG-13, Shaggy Puppy

This tale is from Gill Krebs. I think it may be an old one.


Three Aggie gentlemen, Walt, Elmer and Stan, went hunting in a remote forest.  As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, “We got to get Elmer to the hospital quick or he’s gonna die.”

“How are we gonna carry him?” Stan asked. “Why he weighs a good two hundred fifty pounds.”

“Hell Stan! That ain’t nothing,” assured Walt. “We carry bucks out bigger than that, all the time. We can do it the same way.”

Walt was right. In no time, they were pulling their 44 up to the emergency room door and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, “Your friend didn’t make it.”

Walt said, “Yeah, I thought that gunshot hit him in the heart.”

“No,” said the doctor. “The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that.”

“Damn it Stan, I told you we shouldn’t have tied him to the hood. All them tree branches smacking into him for the first five miles probably beat him to death!”

“No,” said the doctor. “His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too.”

“See, Walt! I kept telling you to hold your end up higher ’cause that sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hitting the rocks and logs. And I’m sure he drowned when we crossed that crick.”

“Damn it Stan! You was the one that dropped your end of the pole when you fell off that rock. Poor old Elmer must have been under water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole and falling all over yourself.”

“Now fellas,” said the doctor. “Elmer’s skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn’t drown and he might have been able to survive that, too.”

Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions and then asked the doctor, “Then what was it?”

The doctor thought for a few moments and said, “My guess is that the way you gutted him had a lot to do with it.”

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