Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Texas Medley

Category: Poetry, Rated G

Thanks to Bill Pardue for sending this.


A TEXAS BLESSING

Note: If you are not a resident of TEXAS or never have lived in the hot, humid South, you may not understand the weight of this blessing!

-Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
-Please keep it cool in mid-July.

-Bless the walls where termites dine,
-While ants and roaches march in time.

-Bless our yard where spiders pass
-Fire ant castles in the grass.

-Bless the garage, a home to please
-Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.

-Bless the love bugs, two by two,
-the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.

-Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
-in TEXAS, Lord, you’ve put them all.

-But this is home, and here we’ll stay,

-So thank you Lord, for insect spray.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN. . . .

-The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

-The trees are whistling for the dogs.

-The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

-Hot water now comes out of both taps. -You can make sun tea instantly.

-You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

-The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

-You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

-You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

-You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

-You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

-Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

-You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

-The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

-Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

-The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home. God Bless Our State of Texas!!

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