All posts tagged Tom Vickery

Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?

This updated political statement was sent by Bro Tom Vickery.

The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely … Read the rest...

What Ye Selling?

An ethnic tale from Tom Vickery.

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure nough, a curious Irishman walked … Read the rest...

The Law in a Small Town

This was sent by pharmacy bro Tom Vickery.

At a trial in a small South Carolina town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, on the Bible, and was asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help her God.

The witness was a proper, well-dressed, elderly lady; the grandmotherly type well-spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do … Read the rest...

The Siamese Twins

This is a classic tale. This version was sent by Tom Vickery.

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the barkeeper, “Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please”.

The barkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”

“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go … Read the rest...

The Bank Robbery

Another evil little tale from Bro Tom Vickery.

A man walks in a bank, gets in line, and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The customer replies, “Yes”.

The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer’s head and BANG !!!, shoots him in the … Read the rest...

Southern Boy

A short and sweet tale from Tom Vickery.

A Southern boy is driving down a back road in TN.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:


“Lord almighty” he says to himself, “my three favorite things”… Read the rest...

Signs of the Time?

This is from Tom Vickery.

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit please back in.”
On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..”
On a Church’s Billboard:
“7 days without God makes … Read the rest...

Stuttering Kitty

From Tom Vickery.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, she says.

A little girl raised her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before … Read the rest...

The Origin of Animals

From Tom Vickery comes this venerable old tale (are there any other types?)

A newly discovered chapter in the book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question, “Where did pets come from?” According to the newly discovered scriptures, Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we don’t see you any more and we’re lonesome here and it’s difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”… Read the rest...

A few Deep Thoughts about Life

Sent by Tom Vickery.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
— Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. … Read the rest...

Which Is The Oldest Profession?

This is another old tale, I suspect. This version came from my Bro Tom Vickery.

A man walked into a roadside tavern, and as he looked over the crowded tavern, he saw an empty bar stool at the far end of the bar. As he sat down on the bar stool, he noticed perched on a bar stool right next to him was a good-looking, smartly dressed woman with beautiful red hair.

“Hi there, Good Looking. How’s it going?” he … Read the rest...

Wal-Mart Greeter

This is from Tom Vickery. I suppose it could fit in as well with any other occupation dealing with the public.

A very unattractive, nasty, loud, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

After the traditional Hello-and-Welcome-to-Wal-Mart, the Wal-Mart Greeter asks, “Are they twins?”

The woman says, “Hell no, the oldest one, he’s 9, and the younger one, she’s 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?”

“Not really,” replied the Greeter, “I just can’t believe you … Read the rest...

Top 30 Things That You Will Never Hear a Southern Boy Say

Nor, many Texan boys, for that matter. Tom Vickery sent us this listing.

30. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.

29. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won’t fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.

26. We don’t keep firearms in this house.

25. You can’t feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We’re vegetarians.

Read the rest...

Wearing Leather

This is from Tom Vickery.

When a woman wears leather clothing, …….

A man’s heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new truck.… Read the rest...

Symptoms of Bird Flu

Pharmacist bro Tom Vickery send us this timely warning.

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone’s windshield.

Read the rest...

Why We Have an Oil Shortage

This version of a tale with an old punchline is from Bro Tom Vickery.

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there’s a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low. You see, the reason for this is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are … Read the rest...

Critical Retiree Decisions

This came from Tom Vickery. If you want to extol the virtues of your own particular favorite location, grab pen and pencil and let me know.

As we all know, when we hit retirement age we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where…..

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

Read the rest...

Sunday Morning Sex

This is an old tale. Several folks have sent me copies. This version is from Tom Vickery.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having … Read the rest...

New Living Will Form

Various versions of this useful instrument have been circulating recently. This one was sent by Tom Vickery.

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for any of the … Read the rest...

The Warm Milk

Tom Vickery sent this venerable tale. The author is not known.

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm … Read the rest...

The French and Lance Armstrong

Tom Vickery sent this item, one quite representative of anti-French invective going around the internet these days.

PARIS, France — Lance Armstrong’s record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South of France hotel room while on vacation after … Read the rest...

Harvey & Gladys (Sadly Adult Theme)

Tom Vickery sent this gentle tale. The author is not known.

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

“You know, Harvey,” she comments. “I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my breasts sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons and…my butt looks … Read the rest...

Installing Husband 1.0

Tom Vickery sends us this exercise in very helpful information technology.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance – particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, NBL 3.0, RFL 4.0, Cricket 4.2 … Read the rest...

Revenge at the Zoo

From Tom Vickery

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla’s enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye.

As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had … Read the rest...

If You Were A Football Fan

This came from Tom Vickery. The author is not known, but the piece seems malleable to your own circumstances.

A teacher starts a new job at a school in San Diego and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she’s a Chargers fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Charger fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The Teacher looks at … Read the rest...